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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Ulterior motives must be considered before you make a move. Rethink your strategy, and revise any plans you have that are not directly linked to what you want and need to accomplish. Avoid anyone who is inconsistent or impulsive.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Partnerships will make a difference to how you proceed. Realize what you must do to reach your destination with the least amount of opposition. Your goal must be to maximize your time and increase benefits. Love and romance are on the rise.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Chug along, but don't push others to do as you do. You will be met with resistance if you are pushy. Put your time and effort into self-improvement instead of trying to change others. A lack of trust will develop if you are inconsistent.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Use your time wisely, and strive to boost your ego by doing things that make you look and feel good about who you are and what you accomplish. Socialize, or spend quality time with someone special. Love will enhance your life.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Listen carefully to what others want before making changes that will meet with disapproval. A financial situation will develop if you have overspent or miscalculated the cost of something. Travel may beckon you, but if you cannot afford the trip, take a pass.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Caution at home will help protect you from a mishap. Using tools or equipment that you are unfamiliar with will pose a problem. Discuss your plans with someone you respect, and you'll gather some great ideas that will help you be successful.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your professional goals must take top priority. If you aren't serious about what you are doing, you may want to reconsider your past dreams, hopes, and wishes. Being true to you and what you want to do will lead to success.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Call the shots, and make things happen your way. Being unique will attract followers and onlookers. Invest in something you enjoy doing. Personal and professional relationships are looking good. Make a deal, a promise, or a vow.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't divulge information you've been asked to keep secret. Your reputation will suffer if you are not diplomatic about what you know or see. Concentrate on your personal life, and make alterations that will add to your personal comfort.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You're on the move. Your ability to outmaneuver the competition is outstanding. Speak from the heart, and you will encourage others to join your cause. Check references before you put trust in someone who is questionable. Love is highlighted.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Avoid critical people. Take precautions when discussing touchy subjects. Put greater emphasis on home, family, and the ones you love. Change is upon you, and acceptance will be key to staying calm and allowing the best outcome.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't waste time trying to persuade skeptics. Focus on the people you can influence and who will help you reach your goals. Love is in the stars, and setting a romantic scene will help you improve your personal life. Make travel plans.

Rules For an Unsafe Work Environment:

• The water cooler will be replaced by a gasoline cooler, where the latest office gossip can be shared over complimentary cigars.

• Any interpersonal conflict will henceforth be resolved with a round in the Office Octagon.

• Hallucinogens will be hidden in every sixth item sold at the cafeteria.

• Cubicles will be replaced by brittle glass held together with saltwater taffy.

• Trap doors will be installed in all break rooms, with chutes whisking time-wasters away to either the garbage Dumpster or Arby's.

• Workplace dozing is encouraged, but only during your commute or while operating heavy machinery.

• Casual Fridays will be replaced by Hungry Mondays, when people caught snacking will be suspended by their underwear from the company sign and pelted repeatedly with the offending food item.

• At any time, you can take anyone else's job if you can defeat her or him in a broadsword duel.

• Email memos will be replaced by tomahawk semaphore.

• Elevator cables will be replaced with bungee cords; the stairs will be buttered.

• All employees will be required to bring an animal to work. If another employee's animal kills/maims/eats yours, you are required to bring a specimen of equal or higher standing on the food chain to work the next day.

• First one to retrieve the plaid tie from the radio tower on the roof gets to be boss for the day — broadsword-duel-challenge rules still apply, though.

WILL HARTMAN is no stranger to danger.

>> Click here to submit an event!

• Inorganic Chemistry Seminar, “Coordination Chemistry of Early Transition Metal Clusters,” Kallyn Buschkamp, Chemistry, 12:30 p.m., W323 Chemistry Building
• Anatomy and Cell Biology Departmental Seminar, “Ciliary Autotomy Promotes Renal Cystogenesis,” Charles Yeaman, Anatomy/Cell Biology, and “Identification of a novel cause for Van der Woude cleft palate syndrome using zebrafish,” Robert Cornell, Anatomy/Cell Biology, 1 p.m., 1-561 Bowen
• How to Use Twitter, 1 p.m., Hardin Library
• Note-Taking Skills, Study, Workshops & Tutoring Program and University Counseling Service, 3:30 p.m., 14 Schaeffer
• Classics Colloquium, “A Really Useful Engine:  How a Classics degree has helped a Petroleum Geologist,” Franciszek Hasiuk, Iowa State, 4:30 p.m., 302 Schaeffer
• History of Home Movies, 4:30 p.m., Senior Center, 28 S. Linn
• Backyard Abundance Educational Sessions, 5 p.m., Chauncey Swan Park
• Farmers’ Market, 5 p.m., Chauncey Swan parking ramp
• Life in Iowa, Trivia Game Night, International Programs, 5-7 p.m., 1117 University Capitol Center 
• Peace Corps Information Session, 7 p.m., 2390 University Capitol Center
• Spoken Word, 7 p.m., Uptown Bill’s, 730 S. Dubuque
• UI Explorers Series, “The Mahaska County Mammoth Site: Excavation & Research,” 7 p.m., McBride Biosphere Discovery Hub
• Samsara, 7 p.m., Bijou
• “Live from Prairie Lights, Jay Jennings on Charles Portis, 7 p.m., Prairie Lights, 15 S Dubuque
• Anthony Stoops, double bass guest recital, 7:30 p.m., University Capitol Center Recital Hall
• Writers’ Workshop Reading, Charles D’Ambrosio & Joyelle McSweeney, fiction and poetry, 7:30 p.m., Dey House Frank Conroy Reading Room
• “In This Moment: Women and their Songs,” Katherine Eberle, mezzo-soprano, 7:30 p.m., Riverside Recital Hall
• Lady M, Mainstage Series, 8 p.m., Theater Building Thayer Theater
• Frankie Go Boom, 9:15 p.m., Bijou

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