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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Rethink your plans, question your motives. Honesty must take precedence. Emotions will surface because of situations that are tempting but not necessarily good for you. Deal with conflict first, and then proceed with your plans.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Make self-improvements that will boost your confidence and give you the edge you need to get ahead personally and professionally. Encouraging others will bring favors you can use in a time of need. Search for common ground with those you love.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Stop worrying about what's going on around you. Focus on your achievements. Overdoing it will stand between you and your success. Discipline and hard work will be required if you want to bring about positive change.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Getting out with peers will lead to greater opportunities. Mingle and indulge in talks that concern business and investment prospects. You will connect with someone who has something to contribute to your plans. Accept change readily.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Motivational seminars, traveling, or just changing your surroundings will help you resolve pending problems causing undue stress. Don't get angry or emotional when what you should be doing is moving along.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Extravagance will work against you. You cannot buy love or position — you have to do the work to get the praise. Look for a proposal that can help you advance enough to warrant making the personal changes you desire. Love is highlighted.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Indulge in events that help you discover your true potential or encourage greater interaction with people who motivate you to follow your passion. If you implement what you enjoy doing into how you earn a living, you will achieve satisfaction.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A creative outlet will encourage you to grow mentally, emotionally, and financially. Combining your talent with what you have to do in order to survive will enhance what you have to offer. Don't limit what you can do to a small location.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You will end up in a tough position if you have not been completely honest about your next move or about the way you feel. Spell out what it is you want to do, and make your move accordingly. A change is required.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Share ideas with family, friends, or your partner, and you will reach your goals. Taking what you know and do best and finding a way to introduce what's being offered to you by others will lead to victory. Love and romance are highlighted.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Learn from experience. Stick close to home, and avoid interacting with people who can get you into trouble. Now is not the time to take a chance or to put yourself in an awkward situation that restricts you. Focus on home and your reputation.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Do what comes naturally. Show your appreciation toward others, and let your true feelings be heard. Invest in your own talent and what you want to do mentally, physically, and financially to advance personally and professionally.

 

 

 

 


What NOT to say when pulled over:

• Sure I have my license. Hold my beer while I fish it out of my wallet.

• Does my car still smell like pot? I had hoped driving fast with the windows down would kill the stench.

• Hello, Miss Sexy Police Lady. How about you jot your cell number on the bottom of my ticket?

• Hey officer, have you heard the one about the two Irish policemen, a priest, and a llama?

• Well, I'm the only guy with a fake ID, so who YOU tell ME who else was gonna make the beer run?

• I could swear I lost my pants along here somewhere.

• Love the flashing lights, man. Care to follow me to my friend's house? I've never had my own police escort before. Way cool.

• Officer, in your professional opinion, would DUI or public urination look better on my résumé?

• It's OK, that gun on the seat isn't loaded. Anymore. I totally blasted every sign for the last five miles.

• Damn straight, I've got the best batting record in our whole mailbox baseball league.

• I didn't think it would be so hard to drive and pee into an empty Hawkeye Vodka bottle at the same time.

Duncan Stewart always keeps his hands in plain sight.













 
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