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Elliot: Hawks doze on surrealistic pillow

BY BEAU ELLIOT | SEPTEMBER 25, 2012 6:30 AM

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So who knew replacement NFL refs would officiate the Iowa/Central Michigan game?

That last 45 seconds was the most surrealistic pillow (thanks, Jefferson Airplane) of a football game I’ve ever seen. (Heard, technically, given that I was listening on the radio. But I was watching in my surrealistic mind. You should always watch sports in your surrealistic mind; that way, when the other team goes cubist, you can take comfort in that cubism will never last. When’s the last time you or your friends tried Rubicon’s cube? I thought so.)

I mean, whoever heard of a team getting a second chance at an onside kick (the first one being unsuccessful) because of a penalty against itself? You commit a penalty, and that helps you win the game?

On a late flag from the referee far across the field. Refereeing his first game.

Or take that late play when the Central Michigan QB appeared to be over the scrimmage line when he attempted a pass. The officials ruled, after review, that he only had one foot over the line of scrimmage when he threw the pass, and the QB must have both feet over the line or the major part of his body in order to draw a flag. (What does that mean? His spleen and liver were over the line, or just his spleen? Are we using X-rays here to be sure? Do we have some ex-spleening to do?)

In the old days — which would be those long few years ago (during the George W. Bush administration, if you consider them both long and few) — if you had one foot over, you were over the line of scrimmage.

So who was refereeing this game? Sally Mason? (Referee responsibly.) Sarah Palin? (Yep, lots of pigs. Lots of lipstick.)

Oh, well, Hawk fans. Things could be worse in Gnashing Teeth Nation; you could also be Patriots’ fans. Talk about having a problem or two with the refs.

(We would be remiss if we did not note that the Patriots are doing a really swell imitation of the Red Sox, who, at last glance, had gone so far over the event horizon of surrealism that they could no longer see the horizon. Or, for that matter, the event. The way this season is going, the Hawkeyes will be next.)

Oh, well. (Those words again. Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be sports fans.) We could just forget about the Hawks (and the Patriots and the Red Sox — who?) and listen to Rick Santorum talk about same-sex marriage in Iowa.

Yeah, I know; snooze-button time. But apparently, just going on what he said in Iowa, in Santorum’s universe, it’s not virtuous to extend equal rights to all.

Haven’t we been through this before in America? But eventually, women got the right to vote. (Yeah, I know; it only took 132 years after the Constitution was ratified. Probably because white men kept hitting the snooze button. That’s what white guys do when they’re not watching sports and doing their hoo-hah imitation.)

Of course, if we truly want to hit the snooze button, we could listen to Mitt Romney diss nearly half the nation’s citizens.

The Good Ship Mitt’s 47 percent solution turns out to be: You deadbeats who only earn $15,00 to $40,000 should stop sucking the government teat and make millions, as I did.

(Actually, given what we’ve heard from the Mitt, he would make the grammatical mistake “like” instead of using “as.” In the Mitt’s defense, most Americans would make the same mistake. Good work, Americans, on speaking your native tongue. Go ahead, criticize our Latino brothers and sisters about how they speak English. Or our African American brothers and sisters. Or our New England brothers and sisters.)

Oh, well. There’s always the next game.

By the way — if you find the Red Sox on your doorstep, drop me a line, would you? I’ve been looking for them.


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