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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Keep things simple, and be gracious at all times, and you will avoid complaints and make a positive display for those viewing you critically. Accepting that change is required will show versatility and demonstrate that you are a team player.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It's the detail and precision you incorporate into everything you do that will make the biggest effect and bring about an opportunity to get involved in something that interests you. Take a leadership position, and forge ahead.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Connect with people who, and groups that, share your goals. Getting a variety of input will help you work productively toward the completion of a project you are passionate about. Enhance your love life by pursuing what you want.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): There is plenty to consider, and questions must be asked. Nothing is as bad as you think, and once you gather all of the facts, you'll know exactly how to proceed. Insecurity or emotional instability will hold you back.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Consider a different approach when dealing with people professionally and personally. Withholding information will leave you in a precarious position. Volunteering your services will open up options that can help you counteract a difficult situation.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Keep an open mind, but don't give in to something that isn't to your advantage. Move forward alone if it seems to be a better or more lucrative choice. Don't let an emotional relationship cause you to make a poor decision.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Follow your heart, and share your thoughts, concerns, and intentions, and you will find out quickly who is in your corner and who isn't. A love relationship will flourish if you plan a romantic evening. Self-improvement projects will pay high returns.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't put up with demanding individuals. Ask for what you want and deserve. Collect old debts, or cut ties with those taking advantage of your skills or services. Focus on home, family, and reducing stress and overhead.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Give-and-take will lead to good results. Make alterations to the way you live or do things, and you will please someone you are trying to impress. Your appeal and a take-charge attitude will help you achieve the results you want.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Hide your frustration from anyone who may use it against you. Responsibilities are best dealt with quickly so you can move on to the topics, projects, or people you'd rather pursue. Don't let an emotional matter fester or hold you back.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A financial situation will influence your life. Offer a service that has the potential to help pay the bills. Love will improve your life and help you feel more at ease regarding your future. A career change looks positive.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You need time to think, reorganize, and gain confidence. Time spent with someone who inspires you will move you in the right direction. Don't let someone's jealousy or lack of interest slow your productivity. Put off dealing with an authority figure.





Gray Matter Goulash:

• If life gives you lemons, you should just be all sarcastic and say, "Wow, life. Thanks a lot for all these really useful lemons. No, really, you're the best."

• I hope I'll live to see the day when all women are allowed to drink Dr. Pepper 10 if they so choose.

• "Bras before ha-has" would be a good catch phrase for a lingerie salesman who moonlights as a comedian.

• If somebody ever makes an all-crab version of *Star Wars*, I'm willing to bet that the main character will be called Luke Sidewalker.

• Why are "shopping" and "shooting" are the only sprees people ever do? I'm going on an omelet spree.

• Sorry, ladies, but it turns out that my bald spot isn't actually a solar panel for anything. Well, except maybe misanthropy.

• Sometimes I worry about the future of humanity, but then I see drunk college students posing for iPhone photos with the homeless. Phew.

• It doesn't matter if the "HD" means "high definition" or "hot dog," "HD buns" is always on my shopping list.

• Before you get all haughty, let's remember that a one-trick pony still has quite an advantage over all the zero-trick ponies, all right?

• People who recommend things that will "change your life" really ought to be more forthcoming about whether it will be for the worse.

• When you get right down to it, farts are really just circus barkers for poop.

— Will Hartman recently learned there's a good deal that a can of chicken soup can't fix.

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