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New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!



ARIES March 21-April 19 Take a walk down memory lane, or reconnect with people from your past, and resurrect old goals that were shelved because they were ahead of their time. Let the old meld with the new, and you will capture interest and assistance.

TAURUS April 20-May 20 Don't waste time on negative people. Apply your efforts to getting ahead financially, learning all you can, and investing wisely in skills and services you have to offer. Follow a lead from someone you find inspiring, and you will be successful.

GEMINIMay21-June20 Don'trelyonothers.Makewhateverchangesarenecessary,andkeepafastpace.Youhave no time to waste if you want a satisfactory outcome. Discipline, knowledge, and skill will be easy for you to acquire.

CANCER June 21-July 22 You may be faced with the impossible, but simplicity and moderation will help you reach your goals and will impress supportive individuals with something to contribute. Don't cave under pressure. Stick to your schedule, and make your dreams come true.

LEOJuly23-Aug.22 Getinvolved.Beaparticipant.Whatyoudoforotherswillbringyourewardsintheend.Your ability to diversify and turn whatever you are asked to do into a unique experience for everyone involved will win favors. Love is highlighted.

VIRGO Aug. 23-Sept. 22 Keep your eyes wide open, especially regarding a business deal that has the potential to hurt your reputation or cause a financial loss. Steady, progressive movement, and hands-on care will be a must if you want to succeed.

LIBRA Sept. 23-Oct. 22 Size up your situation, and take note of what's really important to you. Once you can let go of the negative aspects that are holding you back, you will be able to forge ahead. Love and friendship are apparent. Make your partnerships count.

SCORPIO Oct. 23-Nov. 21 "Say little, do a lot" should be your motto. Focus on the projects and people who inspire you most, and forget about anything that slows you down or creates a negative attitude. Change will come with a cash injection.

SAGITTARIUSNov.22-Dec.21 Aninvestmentthatinvolvessomeoneyourespectmustbeconsidered.Amoveor lifestyle change will lead to happiness and a lot more to look forward to personally. Romance should be sched- uled for the evening hours.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22-Jan. 19 Don't show your true feelings or share your intentions with people who may not be happy with your choices. Work quietly behind the scenes to get everything in place. Traveling or observing oth- ers will help you overcome obstacles.

AQUARIUSJan.20-Feb.18 Sticktothepeopleyouknowbest,andshareyourthoughtsandplansforthefuture. Love is highlighted, and making home and lifestyle improvements will lead to greater happiness. Make a prom- ise if it will help you get your way.

PISCES Feb. 19-March 20 Stick close to home to interact with those you can count on. Traveling or dealing with institutions or superiors will not bring favorable results. Go over personal paperwork, and revamp your plans before presenting what you have to offer.

 

 

 

 


Fringe Benefits of Electroshock:

• No more hours of styling because my hair dries instantly after each shower.

• Lost my car keys? Not a problem, because the car starts when I touch the door handle.

• We're talking at least 6G service on my cell, and I always have bars.

• Telemarketers never call back after you've zapped them through the phone line.

• The slot monkeys at Riverside Casino don't call me "Magic Fingers" for nothing.

• The babes just can't resist my magnetic smile and electrifying personality.

• Free gas when I pay "by charge" at the self-service pumps.

• Shedding kitties and yappy little dogs never sit in my lap anymore.

• I could easily get a thermonuclear device through airport security because I always blank out their screens. NOT THAT I WANT TO. Just that I could. Easily.

• My wardrobe has improved substantially ever since I realized I could neutralize the anti-theft tags at J. Crew.

• Sunscreen and tanning beds? Psssh. I tan from the inside out and always have a healthy glow.

• My Viagra prescription lapsed months ago.

• I've made some decent scratch on my new weekend gig as a part-time Taser for the police.

• My Nissan Leaf is even more economical now than when I bought it. Really, the only downside is that I have to be seen driving a Nissan Leaf.

— Duncan Stewart, in the interests of full disclosure, admits that he was given two free EST sessions for buzz-marketing the Nissan Leaf.













 
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