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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your changing attitude will encourage you to take on an unusual task. Fixing something you can put to good use now will save you money. An idea you have will entice someone you want to spend more time with to get involved.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You are prone to make a poor decision. Hard work and discipline are what you will need to advance. A problem at home will make it difficult to concentrate on important work matters. A change of scenery will do you good.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Think big, and you will encourage someone to get involved in your plan. High energy and lots of interaction with others will lead to success. Suggestions will be worth considering. A profitable venture is apparent. Love is highlighted.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Dealing with institutions, agencies, or authority figures will present problems. Don't get angry with the wrong person. Size up your situation calmly, and you'll find a better way to handle whatever you face. Secret activities will cause uncertainty.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will invite change and excitement into your life if you participate in an activity or organization that offers mental or physical stimulation. Exposure to different cultures or ideas will help broaden your viewpoint. Love is in the stars.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don't push your luck at work or where your reputation is concerned. Someone will want to make you look bad, and given the chance, it can affect your ability to advance. Honesty will be necessary. Keep talks short, simple, and succinct.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You'll be very entertaining. People will want to be part of whatever you do. Travel plans are encouraged, even if it is a short trip that will take you somewhere you've never been. New experiences will stimulate fresh ideas.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): When money is involved, you are best to take a pass. Keep your assets, possessions, and cash in a safe place. Not everyone will be forthright regarding intentions. Moving forward with projects on your own will bring higher returns.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don't alter or embellish any information you are passing along. Clear and concise talks will bring all sorts of benefits in the end. A partnership with someone who thinks big and is determined to excel will lead to greater prosperity.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Listen, but don't make a move until you are positive you have all the facts and figures straight. You stand to lose if you are too gullible. Impulsive moves or rash statements will cost you emotionally or financially.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Spend more time at home or interacting with the people you know and love most. Working toward a greater goal or your own small enterprise will bring you rewards. Cut your costs by making changes to your living arrangements.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Be careful not to go after something or someone for the wrong reasons. Your motives have to be geared toward a positive outcome for everyone involved if you are going to be successful. Strive for equality in any partnership you form.





How I Keep It Classy:

• I read only highbrow newspapers, such as those left on the bus.

• I am a member of a very exclusive (sole member — me) country club; i.e., an abandoned barn in the countryside where I go to shoot BB guns.

• I have several "New Car Scent" air fresheners hung around the boudoir.

• At snack time (or "inter-repast victuals," as I prefer), I limit myself to three pieces of lunchmeat per grab from the bag.

• My beer coozies are adorned with famous quotes from some heavy-duty philosopher dudes, most notably "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and "The Rock." Some real deep stuff.

• I fashioned a monocle out of the ring off a milk jug and some dental floss and some cuff links out of thumb tacks and Ritz Bits.

• My car horn beeps Beethoven's Fifth.

• Those morsels of food leftover in my beard are sturgeon caviar and foie gras, I'll have you know.

• Only the finest, top-shelf, organic, Kobe beef jerky for me.

• I belch in French.

• My fleas may not do circus acts, but their performance of Richard III was simply sublime.

• I take part in a bridge club, but it's less to do with playing cards and more to do with smoking cigarettes and spray-painting swear words.

— WILL HARTMAN wants to know why we can't have nice things.

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