Being Mitt Romney

BY BEAU ELLIOT | JUNE 26, 2012 6:30 AM

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So I decided I wanted to run for the Office of Being Mitt Romney. I'm not all that talented or smart, so it seemed like the perfect choice.

It would be so much fun to be the Office of Being Mitt Romney. Take the Boston Red Sox.

Please, as the old joke goes.

(It's even older than the Office of Being Mitt, though that seems nearly impossible to those under 30. And anything deemed impossible by those under 30 automatically becomes impossible; I believe it's in the Constitution, right after the part about American citizens having the Constitutional right to bare arms and own F-22 jets. Well, at least it was in the Constitution when I was under 30.)

Actually, even though the Office of Being Mitt was once governor of Massachusetts, there's no evidence that the Office had anything to do with the Boston Red Sox.

Outside, of course, of the Red Sox being able to sign all those free agents because of Gov. Mitt's tremendous jobs-creation plan in Massachusetts.

I mean, what has President Obama ever done for the Red Sox? The Sox have all these millionaires, thanks to the Office of Being Mitt (a great number of whom are on the disabled list, but they're still getting paid), and Obama wants to raise their taxes.

RAISE THEIR TAXES? Half those guys are on the disabled list — aren't they hurting enough?


Besides, Obama has definitely made the recession worse. In fact, Obama probably started the recession, although we at the Office of Being Mitt can't prove that just yet, because, inconveniently, George W. was president when the recession started.

(Yes, I know — I'm not actually a part of the Office just yet; I'm still merely running for office. Or Office. But I can dream. This is America, and we can dream, even if we can't have a DREAM Act.)

Yes, I know, we at the Office of Being Mitt are against the DREAM Act, except when we're talking to an audience of Latinos, where we urge Latinos to follow their dreams, because that's what Americans do, as opposed to Europeans.

Obama wants us to be more like Europeans, who do have more and better cheeses, but where's cheese at? Yes, we know, the euro is more valuable than the dollar, but that will change once Greece greases the wheels of economic rubble.

And yes, the Office of Being, etc., never actually said Obama made the recession worse, even though the likes of Rachel Maddow can display video clip after video clip of the Office saying exactly that.

Maddow is probably a communist. So she probably PhotoShopped it all.

Because that's what communists going all the way back to Lenin and Stalin did — they PhotoShopped. Don't tell us at the Office of Being Mitt that there was no PhotoShop in the days of Lenin and Stalin. Details, details. They dreamed of PhotoShop.

Yes, we at the Office of Being, etc., know that Lenin and Stalin weren't Americans, so they couldn't really dream. They pretended to dream. Those communists, I tell you. They'll do anything.

But Beau, you say. You can't run for the Office of Being, etc., because you're a liberal.

Well. I was never truly associated with the Democrats. I mean, just because I went to the Democratic caucuses and voted in Democratic primaries doesn't necessarily make me a Democrat. Isn't that the old Joe McCarthy, guilt-by-association kind of thing?

(See why I would make a great Office of Being Mitt? Your vote counts.)

And just to clear this matter up, no, we at the Office of Being Mitt never owned a dog, let alone an airtight dog kennel. Dream on. The Office of Being Mitt is no mere slave to Sir Realism.

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