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New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!



ARIES (March 21-April 19): A challenge will test your skills and stimulate you mentally and physically. Don't parade your accomplishments. Use your imagination, but don't make unrealistic claims. Love is highlighted, and social plans should include people from your past.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don't discuss your plans. Not everyone will have the same agenda as you. In order to follow your own path, you are best to go it alone. Keep it simple, and don't make a big deal if you want to avoid interference.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Offer to do what you do best, nothing more. You don't want to be taken for granted. Family discussions and money matters can be resolved if you are prepared to budget and compromise. Don't let someone's jealousy push you in the wrong direction.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Turn your home into a drop-in center. The information you gather from the people who visit your domain will encourage you to branch out into new and exciting directions. A past partner or idea will help you move forward.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You'll charm your way around any situation you face. Interact with people you can help and can help you in return. Mastermind an idea, and you will entice others to get involved. Don't put up with unfair or pushy people.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Work alone to get things done. Interference is likely if you are too vocal about your plans. A new idea can turn into a prosperous venture if you use technology or new methods to speed up the process.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Opportunity is apparent. Traveling or communicating with experts will contribute to your plans. Don't allow laziness to stop you from getting ahead. Look at different lifestyles, cultures, or philosophies to spark ideas. Love is highlighted.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Expect difficulties when dealing with institutions, authority figures, or those who come from a different background. Listen attentively, but don't divulge your thoughts or your intentions. Stick to what you know; finish what you start.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Luck is with you, and there is plenty you can accomplish if you are up-front about what you want. Concentrate on finances, contracts, and partnerships. Focus on something that is in demand. Forward thinking will bring results.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Protect your interests, your money, and your emotional health. A realistic approach to work and how you deal with people you encounter will determine future prospects. Avoid anyone who embraces a lifestyle that isn't in line with your goals.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A strict budget will help your money work for you rather than against you. A chance to lower your overhead or make your personal living space more affordable is apparent. A change in lifestyle or living arrangements will bring good results.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Problems with friends, relatives, or neighbors will cause you to rethink your next move. Don't argue when the only recourse is to walk away. Take on a hobby or pick up a skill that will ease your stress and bring financial gains.

 

 

 

 


You Know Who'd Make a Lousy Standup?

• Charles Manson: "I'm gonna kill tonight. Get it?"

• Keith Richards: "Izza fimzle deedo, eh? [Bumps microphone with face.] Hey! [Unintelligible mumbling]. Bollocks."

• John Madden: "All right, let me break down for you why that last joke didn't work. Where's my white board?"

• Watson the Supercomputer: "Attention. Attention. Thank you. Here is a good one for this crowd. What has a frail, carbon-based frame, performs a pitiable number of calculations per second, and will become obsolete by the year 2026, according to my calculations? You are going to laugh."

• Adolf Hitler: "Ach, don't get me started on how hard it is to be a Nazi in show business."

• Mahatma Gandhi: "I had a joke about peace, love, and understanding. But I've been told that it's no laughing matter, so never mind. Good night."

• Neil Armstrong: "Hey folks, you know what being back here in Cleveland is like? It's a lot like returning to a mediocre planet after floating around in the grandeur of space. I was IN SPACE. [Sigh.]"

• Helen of Troy: "All right, ladies. Admit it. We're actually a little flattered when guys fight over us, aren't we?"

• Hannibal Lecter: "Hm, something quotidian for the proles … Ah — I'll admit to it: I enjoy a bit of fast food now and then … I ate a sprinter the other day."

• Liam Neeson: "Take my wife — please. And then I will hunt you down and kill you."

Will Hartman should refrain from hurling projectiles from his fragile, transparent domicile.













 
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