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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Be honest about what you can and cannot contribute. Size up your situation, and understand what's needed, especially if institutions, agencies or finances are involved. A little can go a long way, but precision and timing will be essential.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Take a minimalist position, regardless of what anyone else says or does. Too much of anything will be your downfall. Don't initiate change or travel unnecessarily. Listen, but reserve judgment and decisions until you are certain of your goals.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't jump to conclusions, take sides, or make assumptions. Evaluate each situation separately, and make decisions based on observation, not speculation. Lowering your overhead and simplifying your life will enable you to excel, slowly but surely.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You will find ways to improve your surroundings and your relationships if you look hard enough. Don't limit the possibilities. Explore avenues that can change your lifestyle and your attitude regarding creative ventures. New beginnings will pay off.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Withhold information if you think it might incriminate you. Patience and tolerance will be required to avoid being restricted or limited by anyone sitting in an influential position. Rely on experience to help you make the right choice now.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take note of what's happening at home and at work. You may have to counter a move that has the potential to hold you back. Don't let emotions prevent you from moving forward with your plans. Productivity must not be sacrificed.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Waffling or holding back the way you really feel will not help you get ahead. Love, romance, and self-improvement should all be at the top of your list. Plan your actions carefully, however, and stick to a set budget.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Make suggestions and be passionate about your pursuits. An intuitive guide will help you make the right choices regarding your investments and alterations to your home. Don't be fooled by a greedy fast-talker. Be willing to change your mind.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You cannot please everyone, so do what's best for you. Altering the way you live or lowering your overhead will help relieve stress. Don't let emotions stand in the way of a good decision. Act on fact, not on hearsay.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Avoid impulsive expenditures. Budget and pay outright for anything you want. A change in your social plans or love life will be to your benefit. Children or a free-spirited individual can help you recognize alternative options.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The more you do to enhance your surroundings, the better you will feel about your future. Greater financial confidence will help you present a better depiction of what you have to offer. Base your changes on experience.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Stick to what you do best, and offer what you can to those in need, but don't give to someone who is looking for a free ride. Choose your battles and your allies carefully. Don't let emotions interfere with progress.

 

 

 

 


Skills on My Résumé (So Far):

• Clock-punching

• Minute-counting

• Closed-mouth yawning

• Dreaming small

• Smiling despite inner despair

• Indignity-suffering

• Obsequiousness

• Coping with tedium

• Performing repetitive menial tasks

• Urge-stifling

• Maintaining the secrecy of my personal opinions

• Jargon-speaking

• "Honesty"

• Fall-taking

• Near roboticism

• Eating lunch for exactly 29 minutes

• Prolonged sitting

• Acting as though I care fiercely about inane and/or trivial matters

• Awareness of standard computers and the internet (a.k.a. Being younger than 97)

• Silent screaming

• Forced positivity

• Dry crying

• Escape-plotting

• Participating in half-hearted cliché small talk

• Fantasizing

— Kit Bryant is kidding. Please hire her.













 
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