New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Avoid anyone making unrealistic promises. Protect personal information, and keep your emotions under control. Get out with old friends, or attend a reunion that will bring back memories. Your love life will take an interesting turn.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Invest in something you enjoy. Expand your interests by offering your services for a fee. Working from home will help you stay focused. Greater responsibility and stability can be accomplished. Walk away from anyone who treats you unfairly.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't let friends or relatives hinder your productivity. Put the jobs that help pay the bills first. Someone you work with will try to make you look bad. Make sure you do what's expected of you in order to avoid criticism.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don't let anyone stand in your way or upset you, disrupting your plans. Make your thoughts known so you can move on without feeling guilty. Don't believe everything you are told, especially if it's someone promising the impossible.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Expect to meet with delays or setbacks if you have to deal with government agencies or institutions. Taking care of an older relative or domestic problem should be done quickly, before you jeopardize your position or your reputation.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Set the stage so you can show off your capabilities. You may face competition, but if you remain steady and precise, rely on past experience and call in favors, you will overcome any challenge you face.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Make a move if it will resolve an issue. Offer your services, and refuse to let anyone stand in your way or take over. Do whatever it takes to be and do your best. A self-improvement project will boost your confidence.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You have a chance to learn something valuable. Watch what others do and say. Don't waffle when it comes to discarding things you no longer need. Focus on new ventures and purchases. Fixing up your home will improve your productivity.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Initiate changes at home that will make you feel more comfortable or that will enhance a relationship that contributes to your happiness. Don't donate to a cause you know little about. Charity begins at home; focus on family relationships.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Travel to visit someone you miss, who needs your help, or who has something to offer you. Open up about the way you feel and how you want to see a partnership take shape. Don't let a last-minute change of plans upset you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Weigh your options, and consider how you can make the most of your time. A job offer may limit time with friends and family. Assess whether you can make as much working for yourself or from home. Love is highlighted.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Someone close to you may not reveal important information required for you to make a good decision. Ask questions, and don't give in or give up until you get the answers you need to move forward. Anger won't solve problems.





Where is Joseph Kony?

• Preparing his act for the local talent show. Needless to say, it's terrible and depressing.

• Peeking out of the laundry hamper with a pair of binoculars made of toilet paper rolls, the mischievous scamp.

• Living high on the hog from Kony 2012 donations with campaign manager Jason Russell.

• Holed up at a roadside Motel 6 till all this craziness blows over.

• Surreptitiously following U2 on its world tour. (He's unaware of Bono's politics; he just really likes their sound.)

• Surprisingly, in the kitchen with Dinah, strummin' on the old banjo.

• Up your butt, around the corner.

• If he's you, apparently somewhere in this mall, according to this wacky directory.

• Takin' it to the streets.

• Hosting a "Warlords Only" pool party, complete with umbrella drinks and tiki torches.

• Preparing for his close-up.

• Skyping with obscure deities and spirits from the netherworld.

• Bowling for blood diamond-encrusted meatballs.

• Right. Behind. You.

• Prank calling Anderson Cooper to tease him with offers of an exclusive interview.

• In the ceiling, watching you masturbate.

• Playing dinner host to a bunch of earthworms, with any luck.

— Will Hartman knows, but he won't tell.

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