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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Sign up for something you enjoy doing, or get together with someone who shares your sense of humor. A love relationship will develop with someone who shares your concerns. Do what needs to be done, and make the necessary reforms.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Overlook the little things people do that bother you. It's far better to project a positive attitude than to complain or criticize. Your lightheartedness will earn you a stellar reputation and win the confidence of peers and colleagues.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Make special plans. Attending a function that will encourage you to participate in self-improvement or awareness practices will leave you feeling rejuvenated and confident that you can accomplish anything. Love is in the stars.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don't let emotional issues sway you where money matters are concerned. You can't buy love. Donations, lending, or borrowing should all be off-limits. Nurture a partnership by being generous with your time, your affection, and your presence.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You'll find it difficult to deal with emotional matters. Don't let anything stop you from taking care of your responsibilities. Overindulgent people will cause you grief. Avoid anyone demanding your time or restricting what you can do.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take part in activities you enjoy, and you will gain confidence and meet worthwhile individuals who can contribute to one of your goals. Creative ideas will develop through conversations you have with or about people from your past.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Finish what you start. Keep things in perspective; don't allow emotions to stand in the way of a good decision. Romance is in the stars, and a promise can be made that will bring you closer to the one you love.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't take criticism too seriously. Your attitude can make a difference in the way others treat you. Share thoughts, dreams, and ideas that are conducive to making your surroundings comfortable and more affordable. Talk will lead to action.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Social events that include past partners or that reunite you with people from your past may bring back emotional disappointments that you thought you had forgotten. Love is on the rise, but don't make the same mistake twice.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Spend time dealing with personal matters. You can make a difference to close friends and family if you listen to grievances. Expanding your residence or inviting more people to enjoy your space will bring excellent results.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Put more time and effort into the way you look and the way you present what you have to offer. Love is on the rise, and getting together with someone you care about will lead to a stronger relationship. Don't overindulge or overspend.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Straightforward answers will be the best way to handle a troublesome relationship. Whether it is business or personal, you have to clear the air with anyone you work alongside. Good fortune will come from good connections.





Why I Could Never Be a Conservative:

• I'm middle-aged, straight, and white — but I don't act that way.

• Rachel Maddow is much hotter than the slutty bimbos on Fox.

• I only own five guns.

• I don't know a damned thing about President Millard Fillmore.

• God help me, but I like paying taxes. I really do.

• I know for certain that the Devil is not controlling liberal college professors; he told me personally.

• I'm not all that interested in my Constitutional right to shoot my neighbors.

• For some reason, trickle-down economics always reminds me of peeing off a bridge … onto the poor and homeless people below it.

• I always thought pro-life meant you don't execute prisoners.

• I'll never benefit from any proposed tax cut for millionaires.

• I think Ronald Reagan's greatest accomplishment was his role as a college professor who lived with a chimpanzee.

• I realize global warming is a plot, but I just can't seem to persuade my polar bear friends.

• Supporting gay marriage doesn't make me worry that I might be a homosexual.

• I'd never wait on hold for an hour to say, "Ditto, Rush, Ditto."

• Got a soul; don't want to give it up.

Duncan Stewart is an oxymoron.

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