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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Expand your prospects by networking with people who share your interests. Travel or take on a challenge that will provide you with adventure or cultural knowledge. Social gatherings will enhance your love life. You are overdue to make positive lifestyle changes.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your family will be angry if you make changes without asking for approval. Avoid offending anyone in a position to influence your future. Excess, overvaluing your own opinion, or underestimating a situation will be your downfall.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Make home improvements or take care of your personal needs. Love can be enhanced, but only if you strive for equality and prepare to compromise. A regimen that will help you achieve or maintain good health should be initiated.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don't misinterpret what someone is telling you or asking you to do. Limitations will prevail if you take the long route unnecessarily. Gauge your relationships carefully, and revise or let go of connections that put too much pressure on you.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Think before making a decision or statement that may impose on an important relationship. Get involved in activities that will challenge you mentally or physically. You will see a situation much more clearly if you step back and review.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Visit a friend or get involved in an event that is conducive to meeting new people. Putting money into your home or investing in your skills will help you create a better life. A colleague or peer is likely to mislead you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Do not spend money on luxury items. You cannot buy love and should not lend or borrow money or possessions. Concentrate on making improvements that will help you establish a better position with a healthier lifestyle. Love is on the rise.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You can make wise choices that will benefit you personally and professionally. A creative idea can prompt you to change, make a move, or form a partnership that will allow you greater freedom to follow your dreams, hopes, and wishes.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Slow the pace, and consider the consequence of any move you make. Problems can be expected while traveling or dealing with people who have information you want. Strategy must be used in order to come out on top.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Deal with personal issues. Make sure the estates of elders are in order and that home and family matters are secure and assessable. Taking the initiative ahead of time will ease your stress. Don't stir up trouble by asking for help.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Problems involving friends, relatives, or neighbors will spin out of control if you are too blatant about your feelings or too stubborn to compromise. Be reasonable, and figure out how to please everyone while taking care of your needs.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Put in extra effort to avoid criticism and complaints. Keep busy, and focus on goals that will help you get ahead professionally. Personal matters are likely to aggravate you and stand in the way of your success.

 

 

 

 


In which I imagine my belongings have become sentient:

• Car That Overuses Air Quotes: "I think I should go to 'the mechanic' for a 'checkup,' because the simplest of maintenance tasks seems to be 'not your thing.' "

• Phone Who Has My Back: "Oh, sorry — Will can't take your call right now. He's, uh, in a business meeting and definitely not having a burger-induced nap."

• Overly Ambitious Oven: "I'm feeling underutilized. You know I can do other things besides frozen pizza, right? How's about we whip up a nice beef Wellington?"

• Fun-loving Bicycle: "Wheeeeee!"

• Passively Judgmental Refrigerator: "Back for another beer already? Should you maybe consider slowing it down a tidge? Have you seen this lovely Brita pitcher in here?"

• Lazy, Enabling Couch: "Ugh, close the drapes. Call in sick to work. Let's sleep all day. Don't you have some gaming to catch up on?"

• Sarcastic Coffee Table: "No, it's cool. I'll just display all these unread magazines so that your many and various visitors will know what an informed and refined fellow you are."

• Wistfully Nostalgic Guitar: "Man, remember that boss cover of 'Wish You Were Here' we used to do? Those were the days, dude. We should totally think about getting the band back together."

• Emotionally Traumatized Bath Mat: "You cannot fathom the horrors I have witnessed."

• Mean Garbage Can: "Gimme that Ledge draft. It's rubbish."

Will Hartman has seen Beauty and the Beast more than once.













 
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