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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Secrets will not help you solve personal problems. Be open regarding your feelings, and ask questions if you think someone is keeping something from you. Anger isn't the answer, but good communication will restore your faith.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Open up to new experiences. Venture down avenues that offer something unique. Strive to meet people who have something to share with you. Put more emphasis on being a participant. What you do now will help you diversify at a later date.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't get caught in an emotional trap. You have to get a clear picture of how your personal decisions will influence your professional status or your reputation. Problems will spin out of control. Make sure you have a back-up plan.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Free your mind with new information. Experience events and activities that can expand your interests and give you something to strive for. Don't let too many choices lead to a stalemate. Pick and choose wisely.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Use your head, and communicate with the people most likely to help you reach your goals. You will learn quickly if you are put in a situation that challenges you. Don't use long-time responsibilities as an excuse not to do something.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You'll be too emotionally confused to make a good decision. Back away from anyone putting pressure on you to do something you don't want to do. A personal relationship will undergo a dramatic change if you don't make the right choice.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Stick close to home, and practice your beliefs. Your standing will suffer if you do anything that appears to be underhanded. A stellar reputation must be maintained, even if it means letting someone down who has asked way too much of you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Improve your digs. The more you do to make your surroundings more conducive to your goals, the better. A chance to improve your position is apparent if you join forces with someone who has something to contribute to your game plan.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Poor information, anxiety, and too much on your mind will lead to disaster in communications or while traveling. Find out firsthand what really happened, and you will be able to dismantle someone's attempt to exploit you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't allow anyone to take advantage of you. There will be ulterior motives behind the compliments you receive. Avoid anyone looking for a cash handout or inside information that is not to be divulged. Don't mix business with pleasure.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Keep your thoughts a secret until you know where you stand. Someone will take advantage of you emotionally, leading to ill feelings and arguments. Reasonable, responsible action is your best recourse. Avoid being put in a vulnerable position.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't get all worked up over nothing, especially in any situation that can affect your livelihood. A love relationship must not stifle your productivity. Problems with authority figures and institutions are apparent.

 

 

 

 


Evil Organizations Gone Legit, Part 2:

• Weyland-Yutani: The mega-corporation gets out of the biological-weapons racket and into the custom pet engineering biz. Demand for face-hugger/Chihuahua hybrids never materializes, surprisingly.

• G.R.O.S.S.: Charter member Calvin commits the ultimate betrayal by marrying Susie Derkins, and President Hobbes dissolves the organization to refocus his efforts on ridding the world's tuna supply of mercury.

• The Borg: The Collective now has more of a New Age cult feel, with "assimilation" replaced by "member drives." Resistance is no longer futile, it'd be great if you could stick around. There's coffeecake.

• The Sith: With the Jedi all but extinguished from the galaxy, the Dark Side practitioners start up a website featuring mildly humorous profanity misspellings.

• Koopa Troop: The Mario Brothers' former nemeses spend their days attempting to sabotage their rivals' upstart pizza place by setting up a mushroom and turtle soup stand right outside.

• Uruk-Hai: Sauron's surviving minions mostly find work as "before" models for orthodontist and skin-care ads.

• INGSOC: Having thoroughly broken the will of the citizens of Oceania, Big Brother now subjects them to all manner of inane reality shows.

• Greenpeace: Continues its brazen reign of terror on the high seas. Take no prisoners, fear no granola.

Will Hartman again apologizes to all the non-nerds.













 
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