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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Get personal paperwork in order. You will discover assets you didn't know you had. A contract or commitment will pan out if you make your requests simple, fair, and non-negotiable. Your confidence will be impressive. Love is highlighted.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Learn from the challenges you face. A partnership will help you recognize your talents and determine what you want to contribute, as well as what you prefer to use on your own. Emotional blackmail is apparent and must be stifled quickly.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): An honest assessment of your current situation, status, or position must be considered before you decide to make a change that might not be appropriate. Anxiety, pressure, and uncertainty will cloud your view if you refuse to own up to past mistakes.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Utilize your ideas and keen sense of awareness when it comes to your reputation and professional progress. Your contribution will separate you from the competition. Don't expect to please everyone, especially those jealous of your talent and skills.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Implement change and diversity into everything you do if you want to get ahead. Challenge anyone who gets in your way, and be prepared to take on additional responsibilities if it will help you get what you want. Love looks promising.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Problems with partnerships are apparent. Retreat and think about the consequences before you say or do something you might regret. Don't lend or borrow money or possessions if you don't want to jeopardize a relationship.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don't fall for a sales pitch promising the impossible. You have to be smart about the changes you make as well as how much you are willing to spend to get what you want. Love is prevalent, but confusion may lead you astray.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Look at money and legal issues carefully. A problem regarding your residence and overhead must be taken care of immediately. Someone may try to take advantage of you financially. Make personal changes that will secure your position.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Stick to the truth. You have to be able to live with the decisions you make. Love is in the stars, but so is temptation. Choose whom you spend your time with carefully. A poor choice will lead to emotional problems.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't worry about what others do. Follow your own path, and come up with your own plans. A creative idea can turn into a profitable endeavor. Make room at home to pursue a project that excites you. Channel your energy constructively.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Strive for greater stability financially, emotionally, and physically. What you do to improve your surroundings will help your outlook and provide you with greater incentive to reach your goals. Love is in the stars.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You will learn by observing what others do. Strike up a conversation with someone who has information that will help you get ahead. An unusual partnership will emerge if you are willing to make the changes requested. Think outside the box.





Evil Organizations Gone Legit:

• Cyberdyne Systems: Now a a chain of restaurants staffed by robots. Friendly ones.

• Cobra: Now the industry's leading maker of "supportive undergarments for active women."

• Decepticons: Megatron and company own and operate a NYC dance club. Ironically, anyone caught doing "the robot" receives a lifelong ban.

• Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde: Collectively spearhead a nationwide campaign aimed at raising awareness of the dangers of overeating among disembodied yellow heads.

• Foot Clan: Pedicurists. Duh.

• Soylent Corporation: With Soylent Green off the market because of a dustup with the sticklers at the FDA, it's back to the original drawing board idea of human-flavored tofu.

• Brotherhood of Evil Mutants: Unable to drum up support for a rebranding effort among its members, the group decides to just keep messing with the X-men — though now mostly through online trolling.

• Team Rocket: Eternally frustrated by Ash and cohorts, Team Rocket changed tactics and succeeded in sending the first Pikachu into orbit — failing, however, to return it safely, thereby courting the rage of the SPCP.

• Illuminati: The formerly secret society has revamped its image to that of "Promoter of Italian-made, eco-friendly lighting solutions."

• Slytheryn: Draco Malfoy and company now put their nefarious arts to use as the entertainment portion of the Republican National Convention.

Will Hartman apologizes to all the non-nerds.

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