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ARIES (March 21-April 19): People will gravitate toward you if you are charming and fun to be with. There's no room for negativity if you want to get ahead. A steady pace and a smile on your face will bring you the highest returns.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Do whatever it takes to enhance what you have to offer personally and professionally. Pick up additional skills, or network with people you feel can contribute to your advancement. Take action now, and you'll improve your future.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Overt action will cause tension. Keep things simple if you want to ensure that you don't lose financially, contractually, or emotionally. Don't allow a colleague or peer to make your life miserable. Use your head, and plan your strategy.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Discuss your plans quietly. Using force will backfire. Demonstrating your creativity will evoke a new respect from others. Your philosophy is changing, and what you project will attract attention.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Mix things up a bit. Get involved in something that promotes meeting new people and that can result in good fortune. You will learn something very valuable if you are exposed to unique experiences, different cultures, or unfamiliar surroundings.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The personal changes you make now will help you develop a new approach to something you've wanted to pursue for some time. Good fortune can be yours if you are open and receptive to what someone unusual contributes. A partnership will lead to success.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): What you put out, you will get back. This give-and-take day requires compassion and understanding. Monetary handouts aren't applicable; honest, hands-on hard work will suffice. Sincerity will enhance your reputation and highlight your skills.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Avoid making a decision based on emotion. Letting your opinions be tainted by someone trying to win favors or twist your words to suit a situation you shouldn't get involved in will cause you to miss out on a personal interest you should pursue.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A moneymaking opportunity is apparent. Readjust your current living situation to better suit your needs, and you can lower your overhead. Utilizing your talents to the fullest will ensure that you can take care of your finances as well.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Update current contractual agreements. Refinance or invest in something you feel will improve your future position. Love is on the rise, and socializing will invite new romantic opportunities. Spending quality time with your current lover will secure your relationship.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You'll be tempted to overreact, overindulge, or take on too much if an emotional situation crops up. Do whatever it takes to keep the peace and please the people you love. Use your head when it comes to making a decision.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Favors will be granted if you use charm to get your way. Love is on the rise, and traveling, networking, and getting out with friends will lead to a romantic encounter. A job well done will bring you an unexpected bonus.

 

 

 

 


Supposedly Fun Things That I Will Never Do

• Bungee jumping: It's like flipping gravity the bird, and I'm not really into taunting forces of nature. Feel me, bro?

• Skydiving: See above. Plus, it probably makes birds shake their little heads in disbelief at human stupidity, and I can't bear the thought of avian disdain for our species.

• Scuba diving: "Hey, everybody, why don't we all go give up the one physical advantage we have over the sharks?" You guys go on ahead. I'll be over here, having another daiquiri and surviving.

• Cliff diving: Let's just save some time and ix-nay any form of iving-day outside the boudoir, shall we? Also, is it possible to die of a belly flop? An appearance on "1,000 Ways to Die" notwithstanding, I'll opt for a more mundane demise, thanks very kindly.

• Street luge: While the concept of a full-body scab is intriguing to me, am I willing to put myself in harm's way in the pursuit of medical knowledge? (I am not.)

• Rodeo: "Well, shoot. This here animal clearly wants nothing to do with me. How's about we make a spectacle out of me trying to ride it around?" Break a leg, pardner.

• Mountain climbing: To my mind, "King of the Hill" is a fun wintertime game for schoolkids and a pretty good cartoon — not a life goal.

• Floating around in zero gravity: Not because I wouldn't love to but because space tourism will be reserved for the Romney-level rich and Make-A-Wish kids. I am disappointingly middle-class and healthy.

WILL HARTMAN apologizes to David Foster Wallace.













 
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