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Go camping with the pigs (well kind of)

BY CHRIS STEINKE | MARCH 30, 2012 6:30 AM

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Camp Coralville Lake, located on the gorgeous Coralville Reservoir, is the best place to send your child while you do things other than parenting.

Instead of staying at home sniping cyber-Arabs, your little Billy will experience the awe-inspiring beauty of Iowa's stunning natural landscape around the Reservoir, built in 1958.

There your child will be free to frolic in the dark, auburn waters fed by the Iowa River, the nation's third-most endangered waterway, pronounced dead in 2009. There will be water-skiing available, or if your child prefers, tubing, which reduces his chance of infection by roughly 78 percent as long as he or she never touches the water.

Once in the water, your child will learn about all kinds of pollutants that make Iowa's waterways unique. Did you know that, along the Iowa River, there are more than 100 communities with no sewage treatment facilities whatsoever? That's right. It drains right into the river. That smelly waste will be running right through little Billy's toes, almost 1,000 gallons a day.

For this reason, Camp Coralville Lake is the best summer camp to develop antibodies against E. coli. In the Iowa River, E. coli concentrations are quadruple that of the Environmental Protection Agency's recommended recreational standards, which, our experts say, were made to cater to sissies.

Sissies need not apply to Camp Coralville Lake.

What's even more outstanding than 1,000 daily gallons of raw human sewage? The amount of pig poo running through the same waters. Camp Coralville Lake is the most authentic farm-water experience your child can enjoy.

Don't listen to those posers in North Carolina, who boast having only 10 million hogs — which, according to Professor Mark Sobsey of the University of North Carolina, can produce more waste than the citizens of New York, North Carolina, California, Pennsylvania, Texas, New Hampshire, and North Dakota combined.

Ten million hogs? Whatever. Iowa is home to 25 million. In a given year, the pigs living along the Iowa River basin alone will produce more fecal matter than the entire state of California. Gee whiz, right?

At Camp Coralville Lake, your child will learn everything there is to know about the great state of Iowa. Sure, everybody knows about Iowa's pig, corn, and cow production — but did you know that Iowa is also a trailblazer in the field of polluting the Gulf of Mexico?

All that farm-runoff runs right into the mighty Mississippi. Once there, those pollutants travel south until they hit the Gulf of Mexico, expanding the legendary Dead Zone, in which no fish are able to survive. The great Iowa River contributes to the largely lifeless Dead Zone perhaps more than any other river feeding into the Mississippi, and your child will bathe in its glory.

And as the sun sets on the reflection-less, chocolate-colored lake, campers and camp councilors will discuss ways to preserve the community toilet that is the Iowa River.

Luckily, because of constant budget cuts, the EPA has been staying out of Iowa's business. It has left it up to us to take care of our waterways, and we did. For example, in 2009 the Iowa Legislature passed Senate File 432, which makes it easier to spread manure on frozen land, thus slipping right into Iowa's waterways. This is but another example of Iowa's rich history of prioritizing Big Agriculture over the environment, and it's up to future generations to continue that trend.

Camp Coralville Lake is dedicated to educating your child about the many benefits of unregulated agriculture. We will also make them exercise by making your kid swim in watered-down pig s**t.

While other camps claim to have the more "natural" experience, Camp Coralville Lake prepares your child for the future state of the world's water supply. People will continue to need to eat at the lowest initial cost possible, and agricultural waterways are always first-up on the chopping block.

Make your child spend the summer at Camp Coralville Lake, where people, water, and farming exist in harmony.


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