New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Call in favors, talk to influential people, and use your appeal and insight to attract the help you need to accomplish your goals. Love is on the rise, and participating in something that interests you will expand your popularity and friendships.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Choose carefully. Too much of anything will work against you. Separate what's necessary from what's inconsequential. Make a point without making a scene, and you will achieve greater interest from people who can make a difference.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Not everyone will be honest with you. Ask direct questions, especially if it has to do with your reputation or your position. Charm will help you uncover what you need to know. Don't show anger when compassion and understanding are what's required.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Impulse will be the enemy. Think outside the box, and patiently incorporate your thoughts into your plans. It's better to be safe than sorry, especially when others will be affected by your decision. Improvements at home can be expected.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Discuss your plans, and you'll find out information that will help you move along faster. Someone unique will interest you in ways that can alter your way of life. Travel plans will enhance your love life and your emotional well-being.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don't get trapped in a situation that goes against your morals. Your patience will be tested, along with your integrity. Own up to any mistake you've made, and move on before you waste time or miss a better opportunity.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You can make personal changes that will boost your confidence and help you see your options. A unique opportunity will lead to love and romance. Don't sit at home when you should be out engaging in social activity.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Put more time and effort into your surroundings and your personal relationships. A stable home environment will help you be more productive professionally. A new way of doing things will open up opportunities you never knew existed.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Keep your thoughts to yourself. As soon as you voice your opinion, you can expect to raise eyebrows as well as opposition. An argument will not help your cause, but it will waste your time. Focus on home, family, and self-improvement.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dig deep into your past to find the answer you are looking for. Reconnecting with old friends or colleagues will raise your interest in something you haven't considered previously. Don't let love hold you back or cost you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Emotions must be controlled if you want to come across as reliable and stable. Not everyone will have your vision, but if you present a finished product or offer a well-thought-out service, you will be successful.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Put pressure on anyone holding you back. You must keep the momentum flowing if you are going to reach your goals. Your intuition will help guide you in the right direction. Being secretive and honest simultaneously will lead to success.





7 More Action Films Reimagined as Independent Shorts, Based on Their Titles:

Aliens: Sigourney Weaver is a paranoid and delusional Tea Party supporter keeping watch from her lawn chair at the southern U.S. border for "illegals."

Terminator 2: Judgment Day: Arnold Schwarzenegger reprises his role as Mitt Romney, wherein he continues to fire a bunch of people and light cigars with money.

Heat: Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino as themselves, sweating it out in a sauna. They boastfully recall their finest performances, each trying to one-up the other. Scenes of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Gigli flash onscreen, indicating that both are aware of these films, but neither has the gall to bring them up. The tension and the temperature continue to rise.

Armageddon: Stock footage of mushroom clouds interspersed with images of Bruce Willis eating string cheese while dressed as the pope.

Equilibrium: Christian Bale repeatedly attempts to balance himself, plank-style, on a sawhorse, unsuccessfully. But he's shirtless the entire time, which is nice.

The Bourne Ultimatum: Matt Damon's wife threatens to leave him unless he agrees to abandon an online community of adult male My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic enthusiasts.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: Brangelina go about an everyday breakfast before reporting to their mundane jobs. No one gets karate chopped. Credits.

WILL HARTMAN works at the Bijou and wouldn't make for a very good action hero.

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