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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Refrain from being overly generous with your time, information, or skills. Whatever you do should benefit you personally or professionally. You'll be competitive and efficient when it comes to achieving your goals. Don't let a romantic problem slow you down.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Strive for perfection. If you are accurate, quick, and agile in whatever you do, you will come out on top. Your ability to digest information will enhance the outcome of whatever you pursue.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Stick to whatever will benefit you most. Home improvements, financial dealings, or finishing a project that is in demand will bring you rewards. Interesting connections you make while marketing your talents will inspire you to expand your plans.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You'll be undecided regarding personal versus professional responsibilities. Organization coupled with unorthodox methods will help you take care of matters of concern. Let your intuitive intelligence be your guide, and you will satisfy everyone's needs.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Do the things you love doing most. Don't let someone use emotional blackmail to stand in your way or make you question what you truly want. Live life your way, and you will not regret your decision. Compatibility and common interests go hand-in-hand.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Concentrate on honing your skills and being the best you can be. Don't let someone else's unpredictability ruin your plans. Join a group that shares your concerns or caters to something you enjoy doing. You need a creative outlet.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Too much uncertainty is present in a relationship with someone sending mixed signals. You'll get to the bottom of a personal problem you are dealing with if you do a little investigating. Renovating or changing your surroundings will lift your spirits.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Use intelligence and intuition to come up with workable solutions to problems at home. Uncertainty regarding your future may be where your concerns originate. A change of location or networking functions you attend will help you out.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Avoid anyone who is trying to use you in any way. You can expect someone to misrepresent you or to start a rumor that will tarnish your reputation. Let the dust settle before you engage in retaliation. Success is your best weapon.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Emotions will well up if you let others bother you. Concentrate on your home and how you can make your surroundings more conducive to the lifestyle you want to live. Don't let someone else's decision disrupt your life.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Someone from your past will help you out. Get involved in a group that allows you the freedom to speak about your concerns, and you will reach higher goals. A personal change you make will improve your life.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Whom you know will make a difference regarding a project you want to pursue. You'll be surprised how good it feels to put the past behind you and to pick up where you left off with someone important to your present and future.





How You Know She's Not Into You:

• While you're talking to her, she plays with her hair, eventually enough so to weave a whip to assault you with. Which she does. Repeatedly.

• She increased the restraining order 400 additional feet and made certain there were an "airspace" and subterranean clauses.

• At the end of the night, she chooses to pay for her own drinks and does not steal your sweater.

• She de-friended you, quit Facebook, and now only talks to people on the phone or face-to-face.

• She returned the DVDs you made of her still in the UNPOPPED bubble wrap you packaged them in.

• She moved all the way to the front row of the lecture hall to sit with all the try-hards who "Shhh" and bring "books" and "paper" and "pens."

• She took the handmade macaroni valentine you gave here, cooked it, and fed it to her cat.

• Whenever you are in earshot, she switches topic to shoes and Twilight.

• You write her a sonnet, and she gives it back to you, annotated, pointing out parts that aren't in correct iambic pentameter, and that "You do sex like Tyrannosaurus rex" while poetic, is a baseless accusation and possibly slander since she doesn't imagine T. Rex sex to be very hot, unlike when pterodactyls get low and work it out.

Nathan Wulf dares you not to think about pterodactyl sex for the next few minutes.

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