Patriots fans and college Republicans


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Durgin was born and raised in Burlington, Vt. The first time he walked more than five steps, he was wearing a red and blue New England Patriot onesie.

His grandpa, a longtime Patriot season-ticket holder, bought it for little Durgin before he was born. Durgin's mom, with her big baby-belly bulging under her shirt, thought it was so cute when she opened it at the baby shower. She was a Patriot fan, and so was everyone else in the family.

Louie was born and raised in Dickinson County, Iowa. His parents owned a business and went to church every Sunday. He used to be a Bible-quizzer.

When Louie was in fourth grade, he talked up George W. Bush like it was his business. The elections were going on, and his classmate used to talk up Al Gore like his hot-lunch desert depended on it. Both of their parents told them the same thing: that their candidate was the greatest thing since seedless watermelon and the other candidate spat on poor people.

Fortunately for Louie, he was not in the minority. His classmate, a teacher's kid, seemed to be the only one talking up the "great" Al Gore, founding father of the Internet. Louie and his classmates picked on the little leftist until he shut his darn mouth. Of course, Bush ended up winning, and Louie felt that he, too, had won something.

Meanwhile, a few years later in Vermont, the great quarterback Tom Brady had led the Patriots to their third Super Bowl victory in four years.

A 14-year-old Durgin felt like he was floating. According to him and his family, he was witnessing the greatest dynasty in the history of ever. He talked smack to Bulls' fans, Yankee fans, and the occasional Maoist. Not only was Coach Belichick the greatest coach ever, but he could wipe the chessboard clean with Bobby Fischer and intimidate Ron Jeremy out of a YMCA shower.

Two years later, "Spygate" dropped. Every non-Patriot-fan in school hounded Durgin. The great Patriots' "dynasty" was built and maintained on a foundation of cheating. They told Durgin the only way the Patriots could win was by videotaping the opposing sideline. Belichick was a cheat, Brady was an (extremely handsome) ass, and the entire Patriot organization deserved a good waterboarding.

Durgin hardly batted an eye at the haters. They were just jealous because their teams sucked and his team was the best. Everybody was videotaping sidelines, he told them. Belichick was just the only one that got caught.

Meanwhile, in Iowa, Louie was catching flack from his liberal classmate. It turned out that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and Saddam Hussein had as much to do with 9/11 as he had with women's rights. Who woulda thunk?

"At worst, he's a deceptive, blood-thirsty, oil-obsessed daddy's boy," Louie's classmate told him. "And at best, he's really stupid."

Louie hardly batted an eye at the hater. He's a big, dumb, tree-hugging, tofu-munching, tax-taking Democrat. What does he know? Anyone would have gone to war. Everybody thought Iraq had WMDs.

Today, both Louie and Durgin go to the University of Iowa. Of course, in Iowa City, Patriot fans might be the only thing more rare than a Republican.

This past weekend, Durgin pouted by himself Sunday night as the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Not a lot of people around him shared his misery, because a lot of people around him were loser Midwestern sports fans.

Louie's been pouting a bit himself this weekend. Mitt Romney is running away with the Republican nomination, but Obama keeps on beating him in recent polls. Not a lot of people around shared his misery, because a lot of people around him are limp-wristed liberals.

Go team!

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