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New Feature! Sudoku below Horoscopes and Ledge, play online or print it out!



ARIES (March 21-April 19): Make a statement. Don't wait for others to upstage you. Socialize, network, and play the game of life using your imagination. Your inventive mind and original ideas will spark interest and bring you opportunities.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Avoid pushy people. Set your priorities, and stick to your game plan if you don't want to end up being someone's minion. Let your heart guide you and give you courage to express your feelings honestly.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Concentrate on what needs to be done both personally and professionally. It's up to you to speak up and let others know what you need help with and what you can accomplish on our own. Don't allow guilt to ruin your chance to advance.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Listen carefully, but don't base what you do on what others say. By using the information and elaborating on what you get from it, you will gain a much better perspective and the chance to surpass your expectations.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You'll be quick to judge others, but before you do, make sure you don't have anything to hide. You are likely to invite criticism if you are not gracious in the way you handle the people around you. Accept change; it's inevitable.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Strive to reach your goal. Good fortune awaits if you play your cards right. A partnership can make a difference to the outcome of your income. Proceed with a passionate eye but a practical mentality. Don't let love cost you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You must loosen up and enjoy life and the people around you more. What you gain from others will help you make choices that will benefit you long-term. Open up to new ideas, suggestions, and skills that will help you move forward.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): One step at a time. Listen and be aware of what others are doing and saying. It's important to take everything into account before you make changes. Love is in the stars, and a romantic get-together with someone special will lift your spirits.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Look at your investments. Take a moment to size up a moneymaking situation, and move swiftly to benefit from a once-in-a-lifetime offer. Not everyone will agree with your choices, but your confidence will win support.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Discuss matters with the people most affected by the decisions you make. It will help you develop a greater rapport with those who count and who you want to continue to have in your life both personally and professionally.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Speak up; say what's on your mind and what you intend to do in the near future. It will be much easier to move forward once you have made your intentions known to everyone you care about.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Take care of business. It's inportant that you remove any obstacles on the pathway to success. Nothing is out of reach if you are dedicated and thorough in your plans and actions. Use the power of persuasion, and you will succeed.

 

 

 

 


Why I'm going to Hell:

• There's a Stairway to Heaven; that's got to be a lot of stairs, and nobody looks cool going up stairs. I'll be driving the Highway to Hell, thank you very much. Possibly drunk.

• I push the button for every crosswalk I pass, but I never use them; I just like slowing traffic and jaywalking.

• I save all flatulence for public places. At first, I did it to keep the smell out of my room, but now I have developed a phobia of doing it alone.

• I mark all Facebook pictures of people cuter than me as "offensive."

• Whenever I go ice skating, I bring pockets full of salt.

• I clean fish and practice taxidermy in my poorly ventilated, first floor, right-next-to-the-entrance apartment.

• The first thing I do at any bar is order eight waters.

• I like to swap tags that say "one size fits all" and "small."

• I killed three hookers and five hobos to test the capacity of my truck bed and new bungee cords — and never confessed my sins.

• Whenever I eat downtown, I first stop at the Den and buy a huge 30-cent fountain pop to forgo any "combo meal" shenanigans.

• I'm that guy who always says, "Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny."

Nathan Wulf is wondering what to pack.













 
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