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ARIES March 21-April 19 Careful how you treat others. You will end up getting what you dish out if you are too critical. It may be difficult, but you are best to do a great job with as little complaining as possible. Personal change will be enlightening.

TAURUS April 20-May 20 Apply what you discover to a project you are working on. A service you can offer will reach a new outlet if you find a way to adjust your program to people in higher positions. Shoot for the stars. Romance is highlighted.

GEMINI May 21-June 20 Expand your interests, and share your thoughts with people you feel can benefit from what you have to say. Interaction will be your best means to develop and propagate what you feel passionate about. Put your heart and soul into your work.

CANCER June 21-July 22 Dealing with people in high places will bring you additional benefits. A chance to work with young and old will open up a new platform for what you have to offer. Control your financial situation, rather than letting it control you.

LEO July 23-Aug. 22 Show off your skills, offer your services, and befriend those who have something to offer in return. Give-and-take will turn into a prosperous venture with someone striving to reach similar goals. Make personal and emotional improvements.

VIRGO Aug. 23-Sept. 22 Kick back and enjoy getting together with people who share your interests. Avoid anyone playing emotional mind games with you. Do your best work, and walk away from anyone who belittles your efforts or tries to affect your productivity.

LIBRA Sept. 23-Oct. 22 Take on any challenge that comes your way with confidence. You have what it takes to dazzle onlookers and attract interest, both personally and professionally. Self-improvement projects will bring stellar results.

SCORPIO Oct. 23-Nov. 21 Choose your battles wisely. Not everyone will see things your way. Don't let anger stand in the way of resolution. Honesty and integrity will be the issue at the end of the day. Call it as you see it, and move on.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22-Dec. 21 Judge your situation carefully before you make your move. Not everyone will buy into your way of thinking or the changes you want to make. An emotional situation can lead to a change in lifestyle or living arrangements.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22-Jan. 19 Expand your interests and your circle of friends. The more you diversify, the greater your opportunities will be. Balance and equality will be key to making a relationship work. Practicality plus innovation spells success.

AQUARIUS Jan. 20-Feb. 18 You can stabilize your personal life by making some positive changes in the way you handle your money and interests. Don't let a personal relationship with someone overshadow what you feel is the right thing to do.

PISCES Feb. 19-March 20 Show your true colors. Being honest about what you want may not please everyone, but it will help you move forward with your plans. Being sneaky to avoid an inevitable confrontation will add to your stress and make matters worse.





Dear Dumbass in My Thursday Discussion Section:

What the hell, damn guy? Did our TA wrong you at some point? The adage "there's no such thing as a stupid question" was never meant to be taken as a challenge, yet you seem to have made it your entire life's work. At times, you appear completely lost in thought (which is understandable, it being foreign territory and all), and when you're not asking stupid questions or possibly crapping yourself due to the mental strain of having an original idea, you're proffering undercooked (and often revealingly arrogant) comments to a captive audience of your betters and a Person Tasked With Grading You. I mean, very few people can simultaneously have their head that far up their ass AND their foot in their mouth, but I'll be damned if you're not bendy enough to do exactly that every Thursday afternoon. How can you possibly be that dim? You're so dense that osmium looks at you and thinks, "I wish I could be that dense," then sighs and waxes regretful.

Osmium. It's an element. The densest element. I am explaining this to you because you are a moron.

You, sir (and I use that word as loosely as you do "student") are a waste of molecular motion; your constituent atoms loathe themselves for composing you.

Also: If every young child on Earth were to simultaneously die in excruciating pain and the aggregate sorrow of their mothers were to somehow manifest itself into a sweater, it would be the exact sweater you wear every Thursday. Mauve is not your friend, brah.

Anyways … I heard you were looking for a tutor. My Fridays are pretty open.

Andrew R. Juhl charges $20/hour.

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