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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don't labor over trivial matters. If a decision needs to be made, make it and move on. Don't let personal uncertainty stand in the way of your progress financially or professionally. Do what's best for you and you will excel.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): An honest assessment of what you can and cannot accomplish must be established if you want to get ahead. Don't be fooled by what others say or promise they will contribute. Rely on you and what you are willing to do.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Start at the top of your to-do list. You can prove a point if you are innovative in the way you tackle your responsibilities. Don't let emotional matters slow you down. Taking charge will prove you can be a leader.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Prepare to take advantage of an opportunity offered. Uncertainty will be what holds you back. Put a little pressure on someone reluctant to concede to your plans. Home-improvement projects will pay off in the near future. Love is highlighted.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your outgoing, generous nature will bring you greater popularity, but don't try to buy love — you will fall short. Someone will be looking for an opportunity to take advantage of you. Keep your guard up and your choices selective.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Learn all you can, and apply what you know to your personal and professional life, as well as to your partnerships. Striving to get along and make things work will lead to success. Avoid anyone using emotional blackmail.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Take the initiative, and you will have an effect on the people you encounter. You can make a difference if you share your ideas and do what you can to make reforms to a plan that lacks luster.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take a back seat, and listen carefully to others. You will get your turn, but it's to your advantage to gather information that will enable you to lay out your thoughts and plans flawlessly. Perfection means avoiding rejection.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Play to win. Talk the talk, and walk the walk. Your charm will help you advance, but be cautious with those who know you well. Any form of exaggeration will lead to a feud that will affect your personal life.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't let good times elude you because you are busy making changes that suit your needs only. Look out for others as well, and you will avoid being ridiculed. Equality in all you do will lead to success. Love is highlighted.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Put greater emphasis on your relationships. Determine who is good for you and who isn't. You need to weed out your circle of friends in order to protect your emotional, physical, financial, and mental well-being.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Love is in the stars, along with personal improvement. Do whatever it takes to upgrade and update so you are a contender for advancement. A partnership will be enhanced if you are honest regarding your expectations and intentions.





My reactions to Esquire's 1,000 Things [I] Don't Know about Women:

• No. 201: "We get perverse joy from eating off of your plate. It's like our version of pissing on the hydrant." (For some reason, women think men piss on hydrants. Got it.)

• No. 157: "Wearing a 'This is what a feminist looks like' T-shirt may help you get girls, but only if you don't look like a sleazy douche who's only wearing it to get girls. (Stop wearing that T-shirt. Got it.)

• No. 421: "Sometimes, when we're not sure about you, we look at your shoes to decide whether or not to sleep with you. Just good to keep in mind." (Start wearing shoes. Got it.)

• No. 483: "We don't like it when you pull your shirt off from the front. Be a man, and pull it over your head from the back." (All women apparently have an opinion on absolutely everything, no matter how ostensibly pointless. Got it.)

• No. 973: "The most important error most of you make when trying to figure us out is in thinking of us as mysterious, unknowable creatures who adhere to some cabalistic set of Girl Rules." (The entire premise of this 28,000-word article, as well this woman's reductive response, was an utterly pointless endeavor, as well as a useless waste of my time. Got it.)

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Matt Gorman for pointing him to this ridiculous Esquire article.

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