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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Jump at any chance to help. Compassion, along with your drive and determination to make a difference, will open up a passageway that can assist in getting the go-ahead to move forward with a project you want to complete. vTAURUS (April 20-May 20): You'll make a mistake if you offer your services to someone willing to take advantage of you. Back up; rethink your strategy. You'll do much better putting greater effort into self-improvement and doing what most benefits you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't stop until you are completely satisfied with the information you've received. Do your due diligence, and dig deep to find out more. A short trip or emailing someone with answers you require will pay off. Don't trust everyone.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You cannot change your position or status by buying your way in. You have to put in the work and show your dedication and sincerity before acceptance will be granted. Love will have a powerful effect on a decision you make.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A change of pace or visiting a place you've never been before will help you see your situation in a new light. Don't let uncertainty at home lead to a mistake. Move away from anyone you feel may not be good for you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Put pressure on anyone you need something from. It's up to you to bend the rules to get things done to your specifications. Speak up, and make your point heard. You will impress someone with your gallant way of taking control.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don't let little annoyances get to you when you should spend time with children, friends, or your lover, enjoying what life has to offer. A trip or activity that allows you to try something new will inspire you to excel.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Do your best to put any emotional turmoil behind you. Spend time moving forward with relationships instead of remaining in a stalemate that will benefit no one. Put differences aside, and work toward a common goal. Keep life simple.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Make changes at home that will separate you from the crowd. Be innovative, and explore options that most would shy away from. Resurrect an idea from the past, bring it up to date, and prepare to execute.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Good fortune can be yours if you think outside the box. Try something new, and it will buy you time to explore other avenues. How you handle a situation will make the difference to the outcome. Execute domestic plans.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You'll be a little confused regarding personal matters. Separate what you feel and what you know so you can get an honest view of what is actually happening. Be realistic and moderate, and do whatever it takes to keep things simple.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Focus on the things and people you love most. Choose what suits you best, and don't deviate from your plans. Taking charge will demonstrate for others how capable you are of doing what's required to improve a situation.





My reactions to Esquire's 1,000 Things [I] Don't Know about Women:

• No. 116: "Next time you're driving us somewhere, ask yourself whether you'd rather impress us or the Patron Saint of Lunatic Machismo Driving." (Always put your girlfriend before your god. Got it.)

• No. 204: "We don't want to wear our bra more than you want to see us not wearing our bra." (Women have no real clue as to how badly we want to see them braless. Got it.)

• No. 26: "The less you pack for a vacation, the more we will fill your suitcase up with shoes." (Women don't understand that when men pack less, they use smaller bags. Got it.)

• No. 354: "Bikini waxing actually isn't as painful as we let on." (Expect woman to be perfectly waxed all the time, and don't take their excuses when they're not. Got it.)

• No. 592: "If you don't want to say something, you probably should. We might find out from someone else, and that won't be good." (Women rhyme. Possibly in meter. Got it.)

• No. 215: "When we fight with our mother, please keep in mind that our mother is never right." (Their mothers will be right exactly as often as their boyfriends. Got it.)

• No. 332: "We notice what you have on your nightstand, and we draw as many conclusions as possible." (Get rid of my nightstand. Got it.)

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Matt Gorman for pointing him to this ridiculous Esquire article.

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