The Creature from Outer-Space: Stephen Bloom
Lighten up, Iowans. A transplant from the Outer Space of Coastal U.S.A. (University of Iowa Professor Stephen Bloom) needs time to settle in, collect and sift his thoughts, and put a bridle on his stream of consciousness. After my relocation to Michigan, north-central by strict definition but with a Midwest culture, the only good thing I could say about the state for a long while was that the climate here beats damp, clammy New York City.
My initial observations of the Wolverine State noted a lavish use of the word family as an adjective: Family Dollar Store, Family Book Store, Family Fare, Family Life Center, etc. (not that there's anything wrong with that). It also seemed that cases of beer moved off the shelves real fast. They're not all here but the core 10 percent of beer drinkers in this country consume an average of nearly a gallon of beer a day.
Water is a consuming topic of conversation in Michigan: the namesake lake, the cottage on a lake everyone retreats to in summer, the lakes to which boats are hauled, the rivers and streams for fishing, and the waterways created by winter snows.
A friend of mine likes to dish this: He went to license his new boat and trailer, which he purchased in Indiana. The lady at the counter requested the weight of the trailer. "How would I know?" my friend said.
"They don't need that information in Indiana," The lady replied. "You need it here. Just run your trailer down to a weigh station or grain elevator and come back." My friend made a lot of loud noise." "OK, OK," the lady said to shut him down. "I'll look it up on the Internet." She did and put down 300 pounds.
Sure there's no comparison with the breadth and depth of the cultural life on both coasts. That was off-putting to a new arrival. Yet, like Bloom in Iowa City, I live in a major university town (Grand Valley State University) and State and U are just down the road in East Lansing and Ann Arbor. I've arrived at this perspective 42 years after the transplant. Hey, prof, you've only had 20 in Iowa and at the UI.
Iowans, reserve your venom for such as Margaret Carlson of Bloomberg News. Writing in the Wall Street Journal about the Iowa caucuses, she dissed Iowa with this bit of sarcasm: "We are forever indebted to the Hawkeye State for the Eskimo Pie and the largest butter sculpture in the world." She went on to demean the relevance of the caucuses, which she characterized as irrelevant "retail politics," as opposed to politicking in the "traditional ways" of debates and forums.
Let's give the last word to a friend who was transplanted with her parents from Iowa to Florida at the age of 3. Reading about the ruckus initiated by Bloom, she told me, "I'm glad my father isn't alive to read it. Iowa sort of summarized what is best about our country."
In closing, I wish someone would ask me these questions: Q: "Are you trying to be funny?" A: "Yes." Q: "Deep down, are your feelings about Michigan those of love, respect, and admiration?" A: "From time to time."
Norm Vance is a resident of Grand Rapids, Mich.
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