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What if the Tea Partiers moved out?

BY CHRIS STEINKE | DECEMBER 01, 2011 7:20 AM

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Picture a mythical time in the future, but not too-too far in the future — and picture a place that used to be the greatest place on Earth.

In this future and at this place (the United States), the people who inherited what is now known as the "Tea Party" gene get fed up and moved out of the United States. Their taxes were too high, and the government was taxing away what was supposed to be their trickle-down money.

Too many taxes, they said, and too much government. We're moving out.

This isn't the first time these people have pulled this. Here's some history for you:

The proper term for a person with the "Tea Party" gene is homothapien (plural, homothapienth). Homothapienth have historically hated taxes of all kind. Ever since the 1600s, when country-to-country immigration became widely feasible, homothapienth have been spreading across the globe complaining about taxes.

(Not all immigrants are homothapienth, but one out of every four homothapienth immigrate sometime in their lifetime. It's a fact.)

Coinciding with the onset of immigration, of course, is the onset of the United States of America. Because of this, 78 percent of all homothapienth have concentrated in the United States over the past few centuries (8 percent are in other countries, and 14 percent have been lost somewhere in the streets of Bangkok).

Enough history — back to future.

Fed up with liberal America, many homothapienth wanted to leave but didn't know where to go. So they looked online. Some homothapienth had gotten a head start on the move and posted reviews of the countries to which they had chosen to immigrate.

Sweden received rave reviews. There was almost no crime, great food, great technology, great education, and it seemed like everybody was perpetually in a fantastic mood.

Let's move to Sweden, said the homothapienth. Many of them were planning on yodeling, and nobody checked to see if yodeling was Swedish tradition.

When it was all said and done, millions and millions of people had moved from the United States to Sweden. In the initial few years, housing was often difficult to come by, but they were accommodated, because native Swedes generally agreed that everybody deserved a fair chance.

Everything considered, the homothapienth' mass immigration went incredibly smoothly. Within only a few years, nearly all of them had a roof over their head and a new job.

It's when they got that job that everything started downhill for the homothapienth and, consequently, all of Northern Europe — not because the work was too hard but because of their pay stubs. And not because of the pay, but because of the amount they were forced to give back.

In typical homothapien fashion, they got political. They found out which political party was generally less fond of taxes and abused every philosophy that party abided by. They ran their own candidates for office under that party and thereby forced every person in that party to cater to their needs — if those political leaders could figure them out, exactly.

Needless to say, the government became completely inept within a few decades. As a result, Sweden began to fall apart, and, as domino effects usually go, the rest of Europe began to suffer. Most everybody's lives deteriorated, especially those of the homothapienth. They became even more angry and confused. What's wrong with the free market? they cried.

Oh right, they said. Taxes. As the reader may have noticed, it always comes back to taxes for those that inherit the "Tea Party" gene.

Meanwhile, the United States was roaring back to life. Under a newly elected female-Hispanic-atheist president, unemployment was nearing just 2 percent, the deficit had been cut in half, and it seemed like everybody was perpetually in a fantastic mood.

Luckily for the United States, those with the "Tea Party" gene had no interest in coming back.

They were already living in the greatest place on Earth.


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