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ARIES (March 21-April 19): A lack of funds will motivate you to find new ways to earn more cash. Innovation coupled with your energetic nature and communicative charm will lead to an opportunity to market a service or product that is in demand.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Emotional deception will leave you wondering what to do next. Don't let an incident or a betrayal of trust cost you financially. Too much of anything will lead to mistakes. Protect your heart and your assets.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A partnership issue will challenge you. Consider both sides of the situation before you make a decision that you will have to live with. A change in your professional direction looks promising, but don't leave a secure position until you have a solid offer.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Negativity is the enemy. Everyone wants to be around upbeat people who are vibrant go-getters. You have plenty of options available if you become a participant instead of a spectator. Love is on the rise. A partnership can change your life.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Domestic concerns will escalate if you don't accept the inevitable. Get out and socialize, or try something new that will stimulate your mind and spark ideas that can help your current situation. Don't let someone who is a burden hold you back.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Travel and take in all the information you can. Listen to advice, and re-evaluate your options. Communication is key and can lead to an opportunity if you are patient, but you must avoid argumentative people who offer nothing but grief.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Talking to an old friend or lover will lead to an emotional misunderstanding. Take what you have learned in the past, and put this information to work in dealing with your current situation.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't let anyone push you into something you don't want to do. You have to gauge your time and choose your friends carefully so that both work toward positive results. Don't rule out educational pursuits or offering to work in an institutional environment.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Finish what you start, or someone will accuse you of being lazy or unprofessional. A secret involvement will not be as uplifting as you had once hoped. Short trips will pay off if you gear them toward business or financial gains.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Focus on what you can do to help others without taking on too great a burden. An opportunity to make sensible alterations to your domestic scene should be carried out. Someone you have been emotionally connected to in the past will confuse you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Now is the time to make decisions based on what's best for you. Question a friendship with someone using persuasive tactics to manipulate a decision you need to make. Ulterior motives are likely. You may be best moving forward alone.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Expect to encounter plenty of changes going on around you. Before you jump on the bandwagon, tie up loose ends. Love and romance are highlighted, and they should bring positive results. Collect old debts, or invest in something you have to offer.





I'm Bringing It Back:

• Spurs: But cowboy boots are too impractical. I say we put spurs on Chucks so they make that sweet jingly sound when I approach the bars.

• Pogs: Because there needs to be a game to play on the sidewalk in between classes that incorporates my love of small-scale, nonmonetary gambling.

• Moats: I'm pretty sure all burglars are hydrophobic, so moats just make sense from a crime prevention standpoint. (And my bathtub is just getting too small for my pet alligators.)

• Surge: I want to be uncomfortably energetic, plus I have a molar that grew in all crooked that maybe I can rot out.

• Sword fighting: We need an honorable way to resolve bar fights over who can puke farther. And I look great in a musketeer costume. And out of one.

• Rollerblades: Do they really expect me to walk the entire Mall of America? I didn't wear these hot pants to walk.

• Lawn darts: If they're going to ban everything stupid kids have died while using, all Western civilization will crumble. Besides, I need a good set for this new drinking game I've invented …

• Naughty limericks: How else are today's children supposed to learn basic geography? Maps? That's stupid.

• Giant stone structures: Anybody can build a house or a "skyscraper." I need a structure I can both worship and devise conspiracy theories about.

• Cuff links: We need more clothing accessories to stimulate the economy. Cuff links will bring produce new stores, magazines, and public-access TV shows. Cuff links are good for America.

Nathan Wulf will pay handsomely for a set of lawn darts. Seriously.

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