The five people you meet at Kinnick Stadium

BY IAN MARTIN | OCTOBER 25, 2011 7:20 AM

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The Hawkeyes are a family. The members all wear Black and Gold on Saturdays, but they should not be judged simply by the color of their sweatshirts; instead, we must consider the persona taken while watching the game.

Two genera, student and alumni, split to the five species encompassed by Hawkeyes. This is the my 2011 Nomenclature Guide for species you may see in Kinnick Stadium.

Student Genus:

Chicago Suburbanite

(Ragius Keystoner)

The marching band's rendition of "On Iowa" signals a nomadic time for those from Des Plaines, Mount Prospect, or some other two-word town that is somehow also Chicago. Whether it's the arrival during the national anthem or the halftime departure during any game not within 8 points, the suburbanite is particularly aggressive on game days because of its pregame diet. It can typically be found making a union at one of its many downtown hideouts near the Summit of Iowa City during the third and fourth quarters — and the fifth quarter, which the altered cubs don't realize is actually the first quarter of the Purdue game.

The Iowa Native

(Relative Contextuan)

Former competitors of the on-field species Rhabdo Infect-us, the native doesn't relinquish a chance to remind fellow Hawkeyes of its past contests. Legend states that more than 4,000 former Iowa high-school athletes tipped at least one pass from the alpha male of the Rhabdo subspecies, Vanden-Burger, during their schooling years. Even more, the "I-oh-wahn" often develops edible scales sprouting from the end of its fingers — the scientific name being "cobs."

Alumni Genus:

The Kinnick Watcher

(Heismanus Nostalagi)

The namesake is an entendre, as those who guard Kinnick's morals and decry the shenanigans of those getting "sauced" on the weekends are also those who likely saw Nile himself play. The indigenous peoples of the land, Kinnick Watchers remember both the invasions of the once-great Johpah clan and the long-ago plundering attempts by the Schemburglars. The Kinnick Watcher is the only species into which other members of the Hawkeye family can evolve and the only species that prefers a four-halfback offense.

Ferentz's Frenemies

(Stoopian N-V)

Praisers of much, appreciaters of little. Related to the goldfish, the Ferentz-ites have just a three-game memory during the week and a three-play memory during the game. Despite the near 3:2 ratio of victories to defeats by their demigod Ferentz, the head coach's usual conservative strategy is always doubted in a tie game — until it inevitably works, in which case the Ferentzians knew it all along. This species is particularly adept with technology, too, and expresses itself through comment sections of Hawkeye-related web domains.


(Homerus Maximus)

Disadvantaged from birth, the species is legally blind. While it wears corrective glasses for daily life, it relies on instinct while inside Kinnick Stadium. According to their historical records, Iowa has zero penalties this season. Penn State had, at least, like, freaking 20. Still in need of adapting rationality, the Hawk-man — as it's sometimes known — reproduces at a rate entirely based on the success of the Iowa team.

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