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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Concentrating on partnerships will help you avoid a misunderstanding. Ask questions if something appears to be dubious. Get involved in something challenging, and you will enjoy the success you achieve. A networking function will pay off.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Pay attention to the people you care about most. A personal partnership can turn sour if you are stubborn. An opportunity to get a job or advance where you are currently employed is apparent. Do what is necessary to position yourself for success.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Added discipline will help you get things done at home. A friend or relative in need will offer you something special in return for a problem you help solve. Make a positive change to your looks, your résumé, or the skills you have to offer.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You cannot take care of everything all by yourself. Take a break, and enjoy your life. Love is on the rise, and socializing or spending time with someone special will ease stress, help you rejuvenate, and give you strength to make necessary decisions.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): An unexpected emotional situation will lead to a change of plans and a change in your lifestyle. Problems at home must not be allowed to escalate. Don't let old troubles surface, making matters worse. Now is not the time for a rash decision.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get out and about. Traveling or visiting places you've never been before will open your eyes to new ideas and opportunities. Sharing with someone you love will lead to a stronger relationship. Avoid emotional spending or lending.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Emotional matters will be difficult to control. Take a wait-and-see approach, especially if money is involved. An opportunity will come through an old connection or idea you resurrect. You'll prosper if you offer your assistance.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Structure your time carefully. You want to fit as much in as possible, especially if it pertains to a creative project that can lead to profits. Love is on the rise, and a chance to rekindle the flame should be taken.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Stick to what you know, and avoid meddling in the affairs of others. Dealings with institutions, government agencies, or banks will be difficult. Avoid arguments or run-ins with authority figures. Travel with caution. Communicate with diplomacy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Positive action and hard work will bring good results. Don't let an emotional matter cost you financially. A change of scenery will do you good, but it may also cause a change of heart. Consider altering your living arrangements.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are capable of doing more than you realize. Don't let an emotional concern cloud your vision or hold you back. An investment or a small-business venture will work if you put in the effort. You need to take action now.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Give more thought to ways you can earn extra cash. Set up a workspace at home that will help you manufacture and market a skill or talent you have. Love is highlighted and should be part of your plan for the evening hours.





Bill Brasky:

• His birthday is the first two weeks of November. And spring break.

• He once won a game of blackjack with a royal flush.

• He once lived an entire year eating nothing but Buffalo. The next year, he ate New Haven.

• His urethra has an eight-octave vocal range and has won four Latin Grammys.

• His discarded gym socks are used by animal-rescue professionals in the Serengeti to drop charging rhinoceroses.

• He possesses the ability to stare directly into the abyss, but the abyss won't make eye contact.

• He cannot return to Stonehenge without activating the Device, which would hasten the return of the Elders and the completion of the Experiment. Also … he has outstanding warrants in the EU.

• He blesses the next year's crops at the end of every harvest season. If he doesn't, the crops all turn into rutabagas. And those rutabagas give people rabies. Cancerous rabies.

• He can speak perfect, unaccented Portuguese through his right nostril, and perfect, unaccented Japanese through his left. Simultaneously.

• He cannot pee in a swimming pool without impregnating everyone that was in it. Everyone.

• He cannot pee in a lake without the entire lake's inhabitants rising to the surface as one, declaring an uneasy truce, and pledging their ichthyic allegiance to his cause.

• He has to pee in rivers. That's how we get rivers.

— Andrew R. Juhl will hunt down and skewer the first undergrad who emails him to say this is a rip-off of "Chuck Norris Facts."

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