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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don't share personal information. Someone will misinterpret what you say. Concentrate on following through and demonstrating your capabilities. Your effort will attract positive feedback. A partnership will change how you proceed.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You can do so much more to ensure that you have the skills to get ahead. Travel to destinations that are conducive to self-promotion. Educational pursuits will lead to knowledge that will make you a more complete package.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You have plenty to offer, and you will receive recognition for your contribution. A secret admirer will have suggestions that pique your interest regarding work and money. Use your charm to get what you want. Financial gains can be expected.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Emotional tension will soar if you don't address the problems you have with someone. Socializing will bring back the memory of a relationship from your past that you let slip away. Don't waste time with regret when amends can be made.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Not everyone will agree with your means or method of doing things. Stay well below the radar until you have reached a point where it is easier for others to comprehend. Avoid anyone asking for a straight answer to a personal question.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Ask, and you will receive an invitation to a gathering that will help you promote what you have to offer. A change in your vocation is apparent, and it will lead to extra money in your pocket. Ask for help to bring a dream to fruition.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Take it upon yourself to make plans that suit your needs. Good fortune will be yours if you follow your heart and your intuition. Don't let the thoughts and action of others deter you from doing what will make you happy. Make a move.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It's the tried-and-true that will see you through. Someone you've known for a long time will not let you down. Greater stability is heading your way if you are adamant about money matters. Time is of the essence, so don't procrastinate.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Favors will be granted, and partnerships can be formed. Your knowledge and charm will dazzle the people you want to impress. Collaborating with someone creative will help you pull your ideas and plans together. Success awaits you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may know what's expected of you, but following through may not be so easy. Look to the people who know you best for advise. An interesting point of view will help you gain momentum. You can overcome any obstacle you face.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Do what's required without being asked, and you will impress someone who will make a difference in your life. Good fortune will come your way if you are generous with your knowledge, ideas, and hands-on help. Don't let personal problems slow you down.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): An opportunity to embrace an interesting partnership is apparent. There are gains to be made personally and financially. A property matter can be resolved if you apply a little pressure. Love is highlighted, and a personal contract will have a positive effect.





Notes to Self:

• You know what helps the toaster make toast faster? Plugging it IN.

• Noise-canceling headphones mean that YOU can't hear your farts, not that others can't.

• If you're going to have kitchen sex, then it works well if the woman sits on the counter. Provided it's the counter and not the stovetop. Especially provided the heating element isn't on.

• You can ask to borrow your next-door neighbor's toilet plunger, but you can't expect your relationship with your next-door neighbor not to change afterward. And for the love of sanity, if your next-door neighbor is someone you're sexually attracted to, just go out and buy a new plunger.

• Washing your hands before putting in your contact lenses is a good idea. Sanitizing them with Germ-X? Not so much.

• Hocking a loogie out the car window can only be done if the car window is actually down.

• If someone else is in the car when you hock a loogie at the closed window, your persistence that you "meant to do that" will be futile. And the date will be over. And there will be no more dates.

• You have never once "dreamt" that you turned off your alarm clock. Moron.

• Your authentic replica Highlander sword is not an appropriate letter opener.

• If it seems like a bad idea even when you're incredibly drunk, then it's an INCREDIBLY BAD IDEA.

— Andrew R. Juhl meant to write something here, but he didn't.

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