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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Too much pressure will bring about an impulsive move that will be difficult to reverse. Step back from the situation, and take a look at the big picture. Don't feel the need to act fast or to give in. Time is on your side.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Avoid overindulgent people. Quality, not quantity, should be your goal. A problem with a coworker, supervisor, government agency, or large institution can be expected if you don't abide by the rules and regulations. Don't leave anything to chance.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Rein in your emotions, and you can control whatever situation you face. Use your head, and apply practical solutions to whatever is being requested of you. Change can be positive as long as you or someone else doesn't use force.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Call in favors, and you will receive more than you ask for. Socialize, even if someone is trying to take up your time with demanding requests. You will broaden your horizons and your circle of friends by getting out and trying new things.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You'll make wise choices and create opportunities if you are positive and productive. Good fortune will come through a partnership that is equal and complimentary. A change in location will inspire you to make last-minute arrangements that can alter your lifestyle.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Hold on to what you've accumulated. Consider every facet of a situation you face before you make a move. You will discover valuable information that can help you get ahead as long as you don't let emotions stand in your way.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Irrational behavior will cause setbacks, regardless of who is being difficult. Don't overextend yourself emotionally, financially, or physically. Work hard to help someone in need, but don't give in to demands made by those who can fend for themselves.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't let a personal problem lead to anger. Focus on being the best you can be and developing an idea or skill you have that can lead to higher returns. Keep your thoughts to yourself until you have what you want secured.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Having a better understanding of the current economic situation is necessary. There is money to be made if you are in the right place at the right time. Don't fear doing things differently. Standing out can be what gets you in the door.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may have some leverage at home or at work, but when it comes to discussions with friends and neighbors, you'd better know what you are talking about. Expect to be challenged by someone who doesn't see things your way.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Overreacting will lead to trouble. An incident from your past will come back to haunt you. Look for an unusual opportunity, give it a unique twist, and you will make financial gains. An improved living arrangement is attainable.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A past partner, peer, or colleague can help you get ahead now. Be the first to make contact, and rectify any problem that may have occurred in the past. Your maturity and ability to put the past behind you will help you advance now.

 

 

 

 


If I could be violent in class, I'd punch these people:

The Bobble Head. I get it; your teacher is singling you out, looking at you and just waiting for you to agree. It's OK. Give them a nod. Just not a "Hey baby, what's up?" nod. And end the nod after 2.4 seconds; it's simply not OK to nod the entire class period.

The Vocabulary Misuser-Abuser. This person uses big words that make no sense given the context. Arbitrarily, you commensurately enjoy pickle gurgitation ad infinitum? Huh? All I heard was "you … enjoy … pickle."

The Armless Magician. One minute he has arms, the next he's somehow stuffed them inside his sleeves without anyone seeing. Is he cold? Is he braiding his chest hair? What's actually going on in there I do not care to know.

• Mr. Wiggles. This guy talks in a voice that is so happy sounding, it's almost like he's singing. Sing me a love song, and I might feel differently about you, Mr. Wiggles.

The Foodie. I'm fine with you bringing a granola bar to class, assuming you chew with your mouth closed. But bringing microwaved eggs? That makes the entire class smell like a Port-o-John.

The Common Walking Cold. Snot all over your face? Stay home. Reek of Vick's vapor rub and coughing-up bits of lung? Stay home. Popping lozenges like candy? STAY HOME. I don't want no scum.

The Crotch Grabber. Boys, why do you need to adjust yourselves every five minutes? Do you see me adjusting my strapless bra every five minutes? No, you absolutely do not. And believe me, those puppies shift (and I'm assuming much more than what's between your legs).

— Carly Correll has awakened with a black eye before and wondered why.













 
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