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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Socialize, network, and mix and mingle with people who share your interests. Your ideas and adaptability will entice someone who can help you complete your life, personally or professionally. Love is highlighted, and a promise made will lead to greater stabilization.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Hold on to your cash, and refrain from donating time to an organization pressuring you to contribute. Anger and stubbornness will not get you what you want, but hard work and concentrating on your own goals will. Now is the time to invest in you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You can reach your goals. Your imagination, charm, and intelligence will help you outshine anyone who opposes you. Turn something you love to do into a profitable commodity. Love is on the rise, and special plans should be made for the evening hours.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Choose wisely. Don't let anyone coerce you into doing something you don't want to do. You can learn a lot from someone with greater experience, but you don't have to become a devotee. Follow your own path, and you will gain the respect you deserve.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Friends and family will comply when you need a little extra help. Someone you love will be ready to make a commitment to you regarding domestic and family affairs. Plan a mini vacation that will allow you to mull over your next move.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Avoid taking on responsibilities that don't belong to you. Concentrate on what really matters. Give advice rather than cash or your time. Stick to your own agenda, and you will make your life better financially, emotionally, and personally. Put you first.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Call the shots, and you will be successful. Don't procrastinate when there is so much you can do to improve your life and your current situation. Love is on the rise, and socializing will bring you greater opportunities, personally and professionally.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't let jealousy rear its ugly head. Look at what you have to offer and do your best to use your talents and skills to the fullest. Your success will be your sweetest revenge. Self-improvement projects will set you up for success.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You can talk your way to advancement. Your charm, knowledge, and ability to express your ideas with a colorful flair will set you apart from any competition you face. Love and romance are highlighted, and they will improve your current personal and domestic life.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You'll learn a lesson by reliving past experiences. Remembering what you've done wrong will save you from making a mistake. Anger is a waste of time. Do your best to improve your domestic situation. Take care of personal business.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Tie up loose ends. You can turn an old idea into a viable source of income. Concentrate on home, family, finances, and investing in you and your talents. It's time to put the pressure on others in order to get what you want.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you want a partnership to work, you have to be honest about what you want and what you expect in return. Approach someone from your past with caution. Depending on how you parted, this person will help or hinder you.





Re-examining a few more well-known sayings:

• "God never gives us more than we can bear." Except for the things that kill us.

• "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." Unless you're a mosquito. Also, if you are a mosquito: I hate you, and congratulations on learning how to read.

• "Let's get down to brass tacks." It's gotta be easier than getting down the Brass Tax. What's that at now? 15 percent? Government. AMIRIGHTORAMIRIGHT?!

• "No news is good news." Unless all of the world's news outlets have been destroyed.

• "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." As does falling down a flight of stairs.

• "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." If it ain't broke, take an English class.

• "The camera adds 10 pounds." They're very high in trans fats.

• "When push comes to shove …" Then you weren't paying attention during your childbirth classes.

• "The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world that he didn't exist." That, or a Double 1260 McTwist.

• "There's no accounting for taste." If there were, my closet would be Enron.

• "A picture is worth a thousand words." An exaggeration. This column is about 250 words. If I just put one quarter of a picture in this space, you all would think I was just being lazy. (And possibly funnier than usual.)

• "There's more than one way to skin a cat." There are, however, zero good ways to explain your basement full of skinned cats.

Andrew R. Juhl thanks Matt Gorman for contributing jokes to today's Ledge.

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