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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Your spontaneity will aid you in making friends, winning competitions, and impressing someone special. You don't have to go overboard; let your charm and talent speak for you. A change of plans will turn out better than anticipated. Love is highlighted.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don't do anything rash. Think matters through before you make a move. Not everyone will agree with your decision. Do what's best for you, but don't force your will on others. Avoid arguments and overindulgent people.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Expect more communication with children, seniors, or your peer group. You can make a difference by participating in a worthy cause. Romance is highlighted. You will attract positive attention and the interest of unique individuals.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Discussing personal matters isn't likely to help. Let the dust settle before you broach sensitive subjects that could result in an unexpected change. Focus on helping others. You will make a difference and impress someone you care about.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Listen to reason, and don't overreact. The ease with which you do things will help you avoid trouble. Your energy is high; it should be put to good use. Your selflessness will be appreciated and help to raise your profile and your popularity.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Money will come to you unexpectedly. Don't be too quick to spend what you receive. There will be underlying circumstances you must deal with. Sit tight until you have all the facts and you have thought matters through to the end.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Nothing will be stable, but it certainly will be interesting. Keep a close watch on others. Your timing is impeccable, but expect someone to challenge your plans. Deal with everyone confidently, and you will finish on top. Love is in the stars.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Pace yourself. Making changes abruptly can be as bad as not making any at all. Ease your way into your plans so that everyone will have time to adjust. An interesting relationship will develop through networking and offering help.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Boost your status. Interact with the competition, and change your position. Pursue your goals relentlessly. Challenge anyone who gets in your way, and be prepared to go further than anyone else to get what you want. Love is highlighted.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Gauge what can and cannot be done before making promises. Know what you are up against. Not everything is in plain view. Someone you thought you could count on is likely to disappoint you. You may be put in an unwelcome position. Protect your assets.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A partnership or joint endeavor can save you money. Consider choices; discuss possibilities. Love is highlighted. Making personal and physical changes will bring compliments. Show effort, and pick up new skills for an opportunity to advance.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Retreat and observe. You stand to learn a lot about the people around you. Knowledge can be a powerful tool. Don't shy away from changes. Sometimes you need a nudge in order to start a new adventure. Benefits are apparent.

 

 

 

 


Super-Secret, Deadly Accurate, Personalized Horoscopes:

• Aries: Your friends will desperately need your help today. Ignore them. Pick up some bath salts, turn up the Sinatra, and soak until the calls/screaming stops.

• Taurus: Some people need to be slapped.

• Gemini: Your life is hollow; grow a beard. If you can't, date someone with a beard. Doors will open for you, and PBR will fall from the heavens.

• Cancer: Your sign reminds people of bald children and makes them sad.

• Leo: I see a car in your future. Never jaywalk, and obey all posted traffic signs.

• Virgo: Form a cult. Sell homemade shampoo. Give cult Cyanide Punch. You are now a CEO of a shampoo company.

• Libra: Do what everyone else is doing. It can't be a half-bad; look at all those people doing it. That guy's wearing a shirt with a vest and a Bluetooth headset. He must know what he's doing.

• Scorpio: You are too reliant on technology. Take anything with a computer chip to the swings at College Green Park. There, you will find directions to a cave and three days' rations. Achieve your inner peace.

• Sagittarius: Get bent.

• Capricorn: Pinpoint the word you use the most often. Stop using it. You will appear 47 percent smarter.

• Aquarius: Oh, no. They've found out about The Tree. We can only hope that Mrs. Butterworth and Chester Cheetah destroy each other before either one learns how to harness The Tree's true destructive power. Damn the Keeblers.

• Pisces: You'll know what to do when the time comes. Or you won't. Whatever. I'm bored with this.

— Nathan Wulf reaches the spirits through email and always BCCs.













 
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