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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Stop waiting for a sign or for someone to give you a nudge. Practical application coupled with a dose of realism should get you moving in the right direction. Once you’ve taken the first few steps, you’ll be able to speed along.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Interact more with people in your field or with similar interests, and you will gather information and create opportunities to collaborate. Love relationships will develop if you are single; if you are with someone, you can enhance the connection.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Do your part, regardless of whether you feel up to it. It’s important not to rock the boat or to disrupt plans. Deal with money, legal, and institutional matters while they are fresh and you have momentum. Be careful not to let love cost you.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take care of personal and domestic matters. The more you put into home and family, the better you will feel. Talking to someone with helpful information will also encourage you to participate in a worthwhile cause that promises long-term benefits.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Change your location if it will help you achieve your goals. Take care of responsibilities, and you will gain respect as well as greater control over a situation you are dealing with. A change of heart will occur because of someone’s change of plans.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Broaden your horizons. Get involved in something that interests you. Learn the ropes, and participate passionately. Interact with people from your past and present, and you will be introduced to those who will be important in your future.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Downsizing can help you get a handle on your financial situation. Creative accounting, coupled with some recommended advice from someone familiar with money matters, will help you get back on track. You have to face problems head-on.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Offer favors, and ask for them in return. It’s give-and-take that will help you get ahead. Communication, technology, and travel can all help. Attend an entertaining event that will inspire you to follow your creative ideas.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Now is not the time to take chances with your health, lifestyle, or finances. Strive for greater stability to avoid damage to your reputation. Set up a reasonable budget and a vigorous regime that results in physical and mental strength.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Leaving a good impression will help you gain respect and clout, both personally and professionally. Investing in something you want to pursue will help you increase your money intake. A romantic adventure is likely to develop.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Tidy up loose ends. Don’t begin something new until you can give it your undivided attention. A sound plan that helps you combine old formulas that worked with up-to-date ideas should be put in place. Your progress will boost your reputation.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Stabilize your situation with compromise. A partnership can turn into a moneymaking venture. Your standard of living has potential to change rapidly. Open-mindedness will bring about greater opportunities and spectacular results.





Signs Your Neighbors May Belong to a Satanic Cult:

• Hotel California is their anniversary song.

• Deliverymen go in but never come out.

• They’re continually buying out the “Dark Rituals” section of Yankee Candle.

• Their kids names Damien, Chuckie, Insidius, and Satan Jr.

• They get Christmas cards from Charles Manson.

• They keep stopping by to borrow a cup of sulfur.

• Whenever you have little setbacks, like stubbing your toe, one of them always shouts over the fence, “A-ha. Where’s your God, NOWWWW?”

• They keep referring to *Rosemary’s Baby* as a “feel-good movie.”

• When you ask whatever happened to their little dog, they just coyly smile and say, “Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. LoL.”

• They actually say “LoL.”

• The only rule at their house parties is “stay out of the secret dungeon.”

• When they play Pictionary, everything is drawn upside down.

• Whenever you go over for tea, they always sit you atop a pile of animal offal in the center of the large pentagram drawn in blood (to be fair, this should have been your first clue).

Brian Tanner wouldn’t go in there if he were you.

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