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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t share your thoughts. You will get far more accomplished if you work quietly on your own. You don’t want to waste time explaining your reasons for doing things. Don’t let personal matters slow you down or put a damper on your mood.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): An outsider may lead you astray. You must focus on what needs to be done at home or on the promises you made to those close to your heart. Love is on the rise, and it will be directly linked to how you treat others.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Take a creative approach when dealing with acquaintances. Questioning the motives of others can be tricky and can lead to suspicion. Your best bet is to show what you have to offer and what you expect in return. Honesty is favored, no matter who it will hurt.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Step up and take over. You can enjoy the benefits of being the center of attention if you take on the responsibilities that go along with being the leader. Love is highlighted, but you shouldn’t feel compelled to overspend to impress someone.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Prepare to make whatever changes are necessary to make your life better. Financial gains can be made, but you may have to give up something to turn things around. Figure out what you can do without, then put those assets on the market.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Helping others can be a beautiful experience. By volunteering your services, you will open doors to greater opportunities. Align yourself with people who have as much to offer as you, and you will find that you are included in an extraordinary group.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Do things differently, and most of all, show how creative and intelligent you can be. You will attract attention, both good and bad. You have plenty to contribute, and the only crime will be not saying what’s on your mind.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You have to scope out the whole scenario if you want to react to what’s going on around you. Stand up for your rights and your beliefs. A passionate but honest approach will win you the support you need.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It is best to keep your thoughts to yourself until you fully understand what you are up against. You can be true to yourself, but question your motives before moving forward.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Someone from your past may bring back emotional memories that cloud your vision. You may need to rely on a trusted friend’s judgment to make a personal decision.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Consistency will help to stabilize your life. Honesty regarding your feelings and where you see yourself heading in the future will help you make a positive move. Strategize; set a workable budget that will allow you to invest more in you and your surroundings.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Impulse must be avoided. You have to pick a direction. If you start changing your mind, you can expect to be questioned. Spending downtime with someone who has your best interest at heart will be enlightening.

 

 

 

 


Unusual Details in New NFL Labor Agreement:

• Popsicles will be readily available if temperatures break 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and hot chocolate and snuggies will be provided if temperatures fall below 45.

• The third Sunday of every month will be casual pants and socks day.

• Lineup pictures will have a theme every week, from angry faces to pets and baby pictures.

• Mascots will no longer be costumes but the real thing. The Lions will have lions, the Bears will have bears, and the Patriots, Ricky Stanzi (sorry, Chiefs).

• All future Super Bowl rings will light up and have sound effects.

• Each NFL team will play one college team during the season, at the college stadium, so now I can finally watch a pro sport in Iowa.

• Because the Pro Bowl has become a joke, it will now be a no-holds-barred game of Red Rover on the side of the Mauna Loa volcano.

• There will now be a limit of four total field-goal attempts per game. (Take some chances, you damned wussies).

• All DVRs found to have recorded a game without expressed written consent will auto self destruct.

• From now on, only beer, meat, and trucks can sponsor the NFL. This isn’t soccer.

• Favre will be sacrificed to the Gods of Football to appease them for his myriad crimes.

— Nathan Wulf can’t wait for the Hawkeyes to play the Jaguars on Halloween costume night.













 
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