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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Stubbornness and overreacting are likely to put you in a tight spot. Before acting or saying something you’ll regret, back up and rethink your strategy. Although patience isn’t your strong point, it will be necessary to take a wait-and-see attitude.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Own whatever situation you face. Love is in the stars, and time should be put aside to nurture a relationship that means a lot to you. Self-improvement projects will go well.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You can talk all you want, but if you aren’t getting your point across, you will have to resort to taking action. Disciplined actions will make a far greater impression than inconsistency and empty promises.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Think matters through. Don’t make changes unless you are sure you can live with the outcome. A sudden move will result in anger and disappointment. Someone is likely to force you to be honest about what you really contribute.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Take care of responsibilities without making a fuss. Your ability to follow through will impress someone who is considering you for a better position. Opportunities are present; all you have to do is a good job and to be a team player.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Jump in and do whatever it takes to make things work. Your hands-on contribution will impress someone. Don’t be afraid to do things a little differently. Your ability to think outside the box and offer feasible suggestions will win praise.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You can offer suggestions, but don’t offer to take on a responsibility that doesn’t belong to you. Emotional upset is apparent because of a disagreement with a business or personal partner. Focus on learning something new or helping a cause in which you believe.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Say less, and do more. You have to show others what you can do. A personal relationship will lead to greater opportunity. Opportunity is within reach; don’t hesitate to grab what you want and move forward.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may be able to talk your way in or out of a situation you face, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, it won’t be so easy. Don’t take anyone for granted, or you will suffer the consequences. A promise made is one you must keep. Travel delays can be expected.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Strive for perfection and advancement. You can make changes at home that will improve your living situation and your money matters. Make the first move, and you will set a standard that everyone else will have to live up to.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Remember past experiences before you dive into a situation that will cost you emotionally, physically, or financially. It is best to clear up any situation before you make a decision that will alter your personal life.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Opportunity knocks personally and with regard to partnerships. Look at your options and prepare to get involved in something that you’ve wanted to do for some time. Money is heading your way through an investment, settlement, rebate, or winning.





Evidence my childhood icons were conspiring to make me gay:

• Transformers: no female Autobots on the Ark, just a bunch of guys holed up in a mountain.

• Bert & Ernie: two adult men, living together, sleeping in the same room, watching each the other take baths.

• Winnie the Pooh: made the thought of pantless bears covered in honey quite an entertaining notion.

• The Smurfs: there was like a 50:1 male-to-female ratio, and most of the men walk around shirtless all day. Mmmm, Hefty Smurf.

• He-Man: Prince Adam walked around with his blond bobbed locks, chiseled features, and bulging muscles practically poured into a skintight outfit, but his alter-ego He-Man thought that wasn’t blatant enough, opting instead for the bare-chested BDSM leather and furry jockstrap look. Skeletor dressed the same way, and the two of them constantly smacked their magical swords against each other.

• Jem & The Holograms: all I wanted for Christmas one year was hot pink wig, a leather mini skirt, and a toy microphone. No foolin’.

• Bugs Bunny: one fine looking’ transvestibunny, if you ask me; guy never missed an opportunity to don a skirt, wear a wig, and cover Elmer Fudd with lipstick kisses.

• Snagglepuss: wears bow ties, cufflinks, and nothing else. Into theatre. Talks like that.

• Popeye: sailor, always getting in pointless fights with Bluto over an incredibly unattractive woman, who was obviously a beard covering their actual desires. And he looks like a power bottom.

— Andrew R. Juhl GI’d a guy named Joe, once.

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