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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Say what’s on your mind, and enforce your true feelings if you want to find solutions. You will gain respect by being honest. Opposition may follow, but if you are well-prepared, nothing will stand in your way. Love is on the rise. Enjoy the moment.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You may feel like showing off your independence, but you are likely to come across as being erratic. Before you start spouting off about your plans, make sure you have gone over them carefully. You don’t have to impress someone you love; just be yourself.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The stars will help you cross barriers that have been closed in the past. Don’t put up with someone’s negativity; positive thought and action are what is required. A development regarding a creative project or a personal partner will be beneficial. Make home improvements and invest in you.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Focus on the present and the future so you don’t get left behind. Listen and respond to anyone who has something to offer. Recognizing a good thing when you hear or see it will help you get ahead. Avoid taking on someone else’s burden.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You are positioned well. Do your thing and show everyone around you that you mean business. Call in favors, and ask for the assistance you need to follow through with your plans. Don’t be afraid to step into the spotlight at events.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Listen, but decipher what’s being said before you react. Your sensitivity will get in the way of good judgment. Your uncertainty will show, and constructive criticism can help keep you from making a terrible mistake.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Stand up and be counted. You will gather a following by expressing sound solutions. Your ability to turn something ordinary into something spectacular will add to your popularity. Now is the time to discuss the changes you want to make.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Getting involved in a joint venture will take away from what you want to do. Invest in what you have to offer, not what someone else is doing. A change of status or personal problem will arise if you ignore the warning signals.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll want to have your finger in everyone’s business. Although this can help you maintain control, it can also backfire if someone you love feels smothered. Communication is important if you don’t want to upset someone.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Focus on family or loved ones. A deal that can boost your profits or change surroundings will be enticing, but make sure you have the approval of the people in your life that your decision will affect.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You’ll be forced to make a decision. Don’t fear the inevitable. The sooner you move forward, the better off you’ll be. Do what’s right and best for you, and everything else will eventually fall into place.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Live and let live, or you will face opposition. Now is not the time to let your emotions take over or to act on impulse. Chill and be observant; in due time, you will be in the right position to make a genuinely good move.





Things said that have gotten me fired:

• I didn’t take this job because I gave a damn. I took this job for the free T-shirt.

• Want me to Irish up that coffee for you, Boss?

• Like I’m really gonna wash my hands every five minutes. I mean, seriously, it’s only food. It’s not even cooked, yet.

• Wanna see what I put in the fryer?

• Oh my goodness, I’m sorry — I just assumed you were a lesbian.

• Five bucks says I can make that jump.

• I don’t think I can make it in today. I’m sick. Of working there.

• Sir, this is the “Customer Service Counter,” not the “Listen to Nutball Assholes Complain Counter.”

• Oh? And is that what they taught you in How to be a Stupid Manager class?

• Swordfight!

• “Technically” I didn’t “graduate.”

• You think dessert is a good idea?

• I am NOT hungover. I am still drunk.

• Sorry, I’m on my break … and you look like a douche bag.

• Since I was driving a company car, then the company has the OWI, not me.

• Is that your wife? She’s ugly.

• Is that your wife? She’s hot.

• But I didn’t know she was your wife.

• Yeah, doing this job is OK and all, but have you ever tried doing this job … ON WEED?!

• I bet when Transformers have sex, pretty much everything turns into a vibrator. Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there, sir. Welcome to Circuit City.

• Whatever. You can’t fire me.

Andrew R. Juhl has an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.

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