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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Someone close to you will get upset easily. Take extra care to pick the right words. Good fortune will be yours if you do something to help someone in need. Show off your talents. A new project will motivate you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Opportunities for travel and learning are present. Listen to what others say, but don't disclose what you are up to yet. Make sure you have completed what you are working on before you share with someone who may not be trustworthy.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Talk is cheap, but if you are too outspoken or revealing, you may give someone a false impression. Time spent fixing a personal problem will help you resolve issues that have been bothering you. Positive change will develop because of a contribution you make.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don't let an additional burden stop you from participating in a group effort that addresses a cause you believe in. Dealing with government agencies and authority figures will require precision and practical thought. Love is highlighted, so put aside time for fun.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Someone unique will befriend you if you attend a promotional function or try an unusual activity. Your ability to stand out in a crowd will help you attract people who can offer assistance or lead you in the right direction.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Difficulties with someone who can influence the outcome of something you are working on can be expected. Don't get emotional when what's required is a little originality and precision. Go back to the drawing board.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A change of scenery will help stimulate your mind and inspire you to do your best. A change of plans will work in your favor, especially if it alters a partnership or project. Don't overspend because of an emotional encounter.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your goal is to stabilize your financial situation. Do your best to put pressure on those who owe you and to make your money work for you. A change in location or in the way you do things will help you get back on track.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Relationships can be formed with people who share your interests or goals. A change at home will allow you to develop a service or product that can bring in extra cash. There is money to be made if you take the right approach and diversify.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Spending time at home will allow you the peace of mind required to think about your next move. You can start projects that will help you make your surroundings better-equipped to house your plans.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Look into intellectual and physical games that will test your abilities. You can make new friends if you get involved in fundraising or volunteer your services to a cause you believe in. You can secure your financial situation and make a fruitful move.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don't press your luck regarding personal matters. Nagging will get you nowhere and will bring about criticism and complaints. Emotional blackmail must be avoided, whether it is you or someone else using such tactics.





Andrew R. Juhl, Professor of Letters

• Dear Salt and Vinegar Pringles: You are form-pressed wafers of cognitive dissonance. You simultaneously taste both fantastic and disgusting, confusing my brain with fallacious habituation: "Mmm-mmm, these salt and vinegar chips are sickening. My taste buds are revolting with mutinous fervor. I must eat five more salt and vinegar chips in order to cleanse my palate of this culinary atrocity. Oh, so tasty. Gross."

• Dear Makers of My New Showerhead: Was there really a screaming need for a showerhead that has only 30 percent of it apertures serviceably discharging water at any given time — and in a drip, not a spray, so that soap and shampoo must be excavated from one's body via a complicated and well-choreographed dance of aimed water droplets? WAS THERE? Thanks to you, taking a shower in my house is not so much like standing underneath a cascading waterfall as it is like getting peed on by a blasé giraffe with a urinary tract infection.

• Dear Self: You are not Seth MacFarlane. You have no vested interest in his continued success nor his eventual downfall. Stop defending him with such rabid zealousness.

• Dear Cranberry Juice: Please cease your ill-conceived affairs with Pomegranates and Cherries immediately. Your continued dalliances with these low-rent fruits serve only to create barely palatable mélanges of bleach and icky-icky-poo. And I'm sure that Apples (slut) has probably promised you unimaginable drinkability if you mix flavors with her, too, but that hussy's no good for you, either, Darling. There's not a single aisle in the whole damned supermarket that skank hasn't already mixed her juices with. Just be yourself, Cranberry Juice, and I'll continue to love you for you.

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