Something borrowed, something Newt

BY CHRIS STEINKE | JULY 15, 2011 7:20 AM

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Newt Gingrich is a proud Christian and an avid advocate of traditional, Christian, heterosexual marriage. He's spoken at Christian gatherings and has written several Christian-leaning books.

So why has he refused to sign the Marriage Vow developed by the Family Leader?

The pledge reads, "I, the undersigned, do hereby solemnly vow to honor and to cherish, to defend and to uphold, the Institution of Marriage as only between one man and one woman. I vow to do so through my: [No. 1] Personal fidelity to my spouse."

"Eesh," Newt Gingrich might say to himself. "That's a deal-breaker right there."

Unlike fellow Republican candidate Gary Johnson, who opposes the Marriage Vow because it's homophobic, dehumanizing, intolerant, heartless, and downright discriminatory in nearly every imaginable fashion, Newt Gingrich can't quite get himself to sign it because it would be hypocritical.

He has been married three times and cheated on two of his wives.

So what Newt needs is a compromise. His staff is trying to work with the Family Leader to develop a document he is comfortable signing. Let's help them out, shall we?

The only rule: By signing the document, Newt should not be acting hypocritically — factual correctness within the document is not a factor.

All right — first sentence: "Faithful monogamy is at the very heart of a designed and purposeful order." Let's change that to "Faithful monogamy has been a part of orders." Moving on.

"Enduring marital fidelity between one man and one," ahem, "up to three women (a conservative estimate even by conservative standards) protects innocent children, vulnerable women," – Whoa! Those two words need to go – "the rights of fathers …"

Enduring marital fidelity can attract and seduce vulnerable women. Especially ones who are 23 years younger than you. While you're acting as a leader in the investigation of President Clinton's alleged affairs. Yeah Newt, yeah!

Now onto the actual vow, where the tire hits the pavement, where the sand meets the ocean, or, in Newt's case, where the — never mind.

Hmm. "Personal fidelity to my spouse." Does that really have to be first? Fine, fine. We can work with that. There just needs to be some footnotes, preferably in the smallest font and in the darkest corner of the declaration.

Footnote No. 1: Unless said spouse has cancer.

Footnote No. 2: Unless an opportunity arises in which one has somehow managed to lay a woman 23 years one's junior, because that's pretty unprecedented.

Footnote No. 3: Unless one's infidelity was driven by one's passion for the country.

Yeah. Newt has claimed that his unfaithfulness to his second wife was because of a massive hard-on for America. Don't we all, though? Anthony Weiner might have gotten a free pass had he messaged his naughty pictures to Old Glory's Twitter page. (But America wasn't following him and you can only direct-tweet people following you! That's why he had to send it to young women — the same way Newt would've been arrested had he dropped his trousers at the foot of the Lincoln memorial.)

Moving on.

"Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control." Yeah, like the elimination of Planned Parenthood! Wait — let's just get rid of that line.

"Fierce defense of the First Amendment's rights of Religious Liberty and Freedom of Speech, especially against the intolerance of any who would undermine law-abiding American citizens and institutions of faith and conscience for their adherence to, and defense of, faithful heterosexual monogamy."

Let's change that to, "Fierce defense of American Christian heterosexuality." There — much shorter and not all contradictory and stuff.

See Newt? You just need to find that perfect balance of Christianity, honesty, and self-awareness.
Wait a minute. That doesn't need "balance" at all. That should just be. And if you truly want to epitomize "Christian" values, you should dismiss this "Vow" entirely and reinvent your political platform yet again — by stressing the importance of tolerance and understanding of others.

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