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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t let your feelings get in the way of a good decision. Your productivity will falter if you take on too much or overreact to what’s going on around you. Charm and diplomacy will be your saving grace.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You have more going for you than you realize, and you must use all your skills, talents, and experience to market yourself. Love is highlighted, and it can be enhanced if you share your successes with someone special.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Keep busy with projects that will bring you high returns. You need to work quickly and take advantage of whatever is offered. Put emotions aside when dealing with someone from your past.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): With a little tender loving care at home, you can turn a cluttered area into a spectacular entertainment room or anything else that suits your needs. Do what suits your needs, not what someone else wants.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You can chitchat all you want, but if you don’t say something important, you will waste time that could be put to better use. An interest in someone is likely to lead to trouble if you don’t keep things in perspective.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Finish what you start. You don’t want to be criticized for something you didn’t do. Networking with people from different backgrounds will lead to a new marketing idea. Romance should highlight the evening hours.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Procrastination is not going to help you out of a tight spot. Make a decision one way or another so you can keep moving. Don’t be afraid to go it alone if you don’t feel comfortable with new developments in a partnership.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Do whatever you can to improve your health and emotional well-being. A creative change in lifestyle will help you financially. Letting go of things you no longer use will ease your stress. Love and romance are highlighted.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll be pulled in too many directions if you are incapable of saying “No.” Stand up and be counted when it comes to changes in your community. If you don’t speak your mind, you will have no right to complain later.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may feel powerful, but if you don’t do things according to the rules, it isn’t likely you will get what you want. Love is on the rise, and positive changes at home can be made.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Set guidelines that will enable you to achieve your goals. An interesting change at home will set the stage for the future. Don’t be tempted to live beyond your means. You must stand on your own two feet if you want to gain respect.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Do something that interests you. A creative hobby or fun project you can do with someone you love will ease your stress. You should change your appearance or update the way you do things. Added discipline will help you finish something you promised to take care of.





A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend:

• Every year, I celebrate Easter by going to Illinois. For Eastest, I go to Maine.

• I hate frequency clarifiers. I almost never use them.

• People often tell me that I have the tendency to only hear what I want to hear, and I guess I’d have to agree with them: My manhood is quite large and I’ll probably win the lottery soon.

• When a red light turns green, I point my finger forward and say “Engage.” This joke will likely never get old for me, and it is inadvisable for you to hold onto the faith that it might.

• I was a pretty serious Goth in high school. Then I converted to Catholicism and got killed by a Moor.

• My cats’ names are Klaatu, Barada, and Nikto. (If you had to use Google just now, we’re not meant to be.)

• I do not possess a contingency plan in the event of a zombie outbreak. I possess several.

• Should I ever compliment you on a particular bedroom technique, I would appreciate it if you didn’t response with, “Yeah, I hear that a lot.”

• My favorite shot to order at a bar is a “Nagasaki Bomb.” It’s pretty much just a sake bomb — only ordered by an insensitive prick.

• I have unnaturally hairless legs for a man. I can’t really explain it, but I don’t think it’s all that weird, and I’ll be damned if I can’t rock a mid-thigh hemline in heels.

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