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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t count on anything or anyone. Disappointment is likely to set off an emotional situation that will not end happily. Problems will develop at home because of changes made by either you or someone else. Focus on yourself for a change.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t reveal secrets. Instead, nurture important relationships and pick up new skills and information that will bring greater professional opportunities. Share your experience with and offer your services to someone who can help you promote what you want to pursue.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It will be difficult to use up all the energy you have unless you offer your help. Be well-aware of what’s expected of you. Being overly anxious is what will get you into trouble. It will be difficult to recover from an impulsive financial mistake.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t be too quick to judge others for the way situations are handled. Complaining is not an option unless you are prepared to fix whatever isn’t working. Focus on being a team player and a loyal partner.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Do what needs doing without making a big deal. Overreacting will hold you back, but jumping in and taking an active role will get things back on track. Love and romance are in the stars and will flourish in a function or activity that highlights your versatility.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t expect anything to go according to plan. Someone will try to make you look bad or spread misinformation about you or your motives. Speak up. If you handle the situation properly, it can lead to personal profits.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’ll feel divided when dealing with personal and professional situations that interfere with one another. Do your best to separate business from pleasure. Don’t allow stressful situations at work to stand in the way of personal happiness.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Cash flow will improve with a proposal or opportunity that comes your way. A celebration or making home improvements will lead to an unusual offering from a friend or family member. Your dreams can come true if you follow through.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Step things up a notch. Your outgoing nature will bring some welcome changes at home and where partnerships are concerned. A serious commitment can be made or a contract signed. Love is on the rise.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Rethink your strategy before you discuss your plans with anyone with whom you are in a personal or business partnership. Emotions will swell up quickly. Sharing information with an outsider will lead to hard-to-resolve differences.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You’ve got some good ideas and the wherewithal to bring the right people together to make your plans fall into place. Changes to your living arrangements will be conducive to starting a new life or improving your lifestyle. Don’t overreact, overspend, or overindulge.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t expect everyone to be honest with you, especially about her or his background, habits, or relationships. Walk away from a situation that could potentially cause you stress. Take advantage of a professional opportunity.





How I Will Become a Millionaire:

• Plan: Take all the new prescription drugs, watch TV for a few months until I see those fun recall commercials, then cash-in on the class action suits.
Drawbacks: Possible sterility, sex change, cancer, permanent numbness in the tongue, and some anal leakage.

• Plan: I’ll complete a jumbo bargain book of Mad Libs, making sure to use a slew of celebrity names, then turn each Mad Lib into an animated short consisting of non sequitur clips.
Drawback: Seth MacFarlane suing me.

• Plan: I will preach about a new Rapture date I discovered by applying Newton’s 7th law of gullibility to Revelations. Shortly thereafter, I will also discover a Rapture-proof kit that I will sell for the low, low price of $19.99.
Drawbacks: Possible eternal damnation.

• Plan: Build the world’s largest piggy bank, then claim it’s for Iowa pride and try to set the world record for most quarters in a pig-shaped bank. It’ll be the biggest event in Iowa history, and your quarters can be part of it.
Drawbacks: Can’t see the TV with a 30-ton pig in the way, trying to buy a Ferrari with said quarters.

• Plan: Post my résumé as a full page ad in the *New York Times*’ “Iowa Graduate with an English B.A. Seeking Super Good Job,” then sit back and watch the prestigious job offers roll in.
Drawbacks: Having to decide between being a *Playboy* profile writer and Carrie Underwood’s lyricist.

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