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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You have more energy than most people, so don’t resent the fact you are doing a little more than everyone else. Your contribution will be appreciated and will lead to advancement. Good fortune is heading your way. Love and romance are highlighted.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Get out with friends, or learn something new that will help you make an important decision. Improving your mindset or updating your image or knowledge will be in your best interest. Remember to keep things simple.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Money matters will count, so don’t be tempted by an impulse purchase. Financial gains can be made if you are smart and stick to a budget. Emotions will play a role in how you handle a partnership.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): An opportunity to form a business or personal partnership looks promising. Your knowledge and interest in a community project will make you a prime candidate to take charge. Don’t underestimate what’s required.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You have to finish what you start, or you will not be considered for a bigger and better project. Your ability to find solutions will be a critical factor to your advancement. A love relationship will play out in your favor.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You may want to make radical and profound changes, but before you rock the boat, consider the consequences. It will be better to take matters slowly and to figure out each step strategically. Leaving anything to chance will not bring good results.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You have everything going your way, including a captive audience to support you in your efforts. Focus on where you can make your greatest contribution and how you can use your talents and services to benefit others. A change in a partnership will pay off.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Use your intuition when it comes to partnerships and deals you want to pursue. Draw up an agreement, but don’t give in to demands. Focus on home, family, and how to bring about a closer bond. Greater interest in your neighborhood or community will help you meet people.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t waste time when you have so much going for you. Change is within reach. Embrace any challenge you face, and look at your personal and professional relationships as an asset. Use everyone’s talents, including your own, and you will be unbeatable.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Make a commitment to someone or something you believe in, and follow through. A trip in order to have a face-to-face conversation will pay off. Someone from your past may challenge you. Use all your resources, knowledge, and experience.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Socialize, network, and share your ideas. The people you encounter can offer suggestions for both personal and professional advancement. Letting go of poor habits or influences will ensure your success now.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Someone will be eager to see you make a mistake. Complaints and criticism can be expected but shouldn’t drag you down. Rethink your strategy. Don’t misinterpret someone’s interest. Ulterior motives are likely.

 

 

 

 


Notes to Self:

• When you avail yourself of “3 for $8” wine at Walgreens, you have no earthly reason to be surprised by the horribleness of your ensuing hangover — especially if you drank all three bottles.

• Next time you compliment your friend by telling her that she always gives you the greatest directions, make sure and leave noticeable pause between the words “greatest” and “directions.”

• Some doors open toward you; directly in front of such doors is bad place to stop and take a drink of hot coffee.

• No matter the veracity of the claim, you should not verbalize your belief that the freshly mowed soccer field “smells just like semen.”

• Quit using the word “rad” to mean “cool.” It’s totally bogus.

• In general, anything you would pick up and/or hide in your bedroom if your mother were coming over is also something you should also pickup and/or hide when you have called an electrician to inspect a malfunctioning outlet. Though, I guess it’s good to know that he’s “into some pretty kinky stuff, too.”

• Sometimes people are nice enough to buy you lunch. You should stop treating these occurrences as invitations to attempt eating your weight in deep-fried appetizers.

• Of all the people to snort at derisively when they mention their love of James Patterson, your gum-scraper-wielding dental hygienist is not one of them.

• The proper expression is “open up a can of whoop-ass.” When you tell someone you’re going to “open up a can of ass-whoopie” they think you’re talking about something else entirely.













 
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