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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Pleasure trips, enjoying the company of a friend, neighbor, or relative, or doing whatever you can to improve mentally or physically should take top priority. You will gain from whatever experience you encounter. Love is in the stars.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You’ll have to think on your feet. Don’t take time out to relax, or someone will beat you at your own game. Stick to your plan of attack, and you will reach your destination.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You’ll have plenty of ideas, but not all of them will be easy to accomplish. You will find it difficult to deal with emotional issues and even harder to accept that someone is not being honest with you. Jealousy will get you nowhere.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Keep your ideas and plans to yourself. Someone is likely to reveal what you are up to or complain if you fall short of your goals. A partnership can be beneficial but only if it is open honest and equal.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Get involved in organizations that you know can benefit you as much as you can them, but don’t let anything or anyone cost you financially. A problem at home because of a misunderstanding or emotional issue should be dealt with carefully.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Follow your intuition rather than trusting someone to tell you the truth. If you don’t base your moves on what you know to be fact, you could lose a deal. Being aggressive will help you reach our goals and will open a window of opportunity.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Get your thoughts out in the open where they can actually do you some good. Your insight will be appreciated and could help you advance. Love and romance are highlighted. Travel could lead to relocation in the near future.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Someone may try to sabotage a plan you have in the works if it doesn’t fit her or his purpose. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you emotionally. Avoid spending money unnecessarily. Research will be your best asset.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll be tempted to try to impress someone who may not be worth it. Before you make a commitment, step back and let whomever you are dealing with make the first move. You are likely to be disappointed. A secret will lead to emotional deception.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Impulse is the enemy. Don’t make changes that will leave you stranded. Focus on work and being productive, and put any personal or emotional issues on the shelf until you are in a better position to deal with them. Time is on your side.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Home and making your personal life better will help you discover what you want to strive for in other areas of your life as well. You’ll be amazed at the insight children or seniors can give you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Size up your situation at home, and if it doesn’t measure up to your expectations, start to make plans that will better suit your needs. Don’t let sorrow or someone else’s inability to contribute emotionally hold you back.





Notes to Self:

• Your compact umbrella looks like a rolled-up pair of black socks, but a rolled-up pair of black socks will not keep you dry in the event of a sudden thunderstorm, so next time make it’s actually the umbrella.

• Your potato peeler does not care that your thumb is not a potato.

• Next time you present a poster at a scientific conference, affect your thickest fake accent so you don’t have to bother answering any questions.

• Hard-to-guess passwords are all well-and-good, but remember that sometimes — very rarely — you might have to tell or give your passwords to someone else. Keep this in mind when choosing passwords like “iHEARTbatman” and “5dollarPIMP.”

• When it comes to Cool Ranch Doritos, beware your portions. “Serving Size” and “Economy Size” are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

• Whenever somebody asks you how the new job is going, the standard reply should be “Wow, the person before me sure left one hell of a mess for me to deal with.” This allows more time for Facebooking.

• A queen-size water bed holds enough water to cover an 800-square foot apartment 2-inches deep.

• Stop saving everything to your desktop; it’s getting more crowded than the Craft Services table on the set of Mike & Molly.

• Life is not Twitter. You are allowed to respond to people in more than 140 characters. #NotTweetingThis #Meta

• Swedish Fish is a poor substitute for tuna when considering your protein needs.

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