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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will have to work hard and do your best to bypass someone who is giving you a hard time. In the end, the rewards will be worth your time and effort. Welcome change and new beginnings with open arms.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Take care of pending problems concerning institutions, government agencies, or large corporations. Go directly to the source, and make career changes if necessary. You will be able to get the help you need from colleagues with whom you have worked in the past.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your emotions are running wild. Making a decision is almost impossible. You are torn in many directions and need to take three steps back so you can assess your situation objectively. Do whatever research is required.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Avoid taking on responsibilities that don’t belong to you. Don’t make donations or in any way jeopardize your financial position to help someone else. With imagination, you will come up with solutions that aren’t costly.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Status, position, and recognition can all be yours if you follow through with your promises. You can dazzle and mesmerize the people you want to impress, making it easy for you to move into a leadership position. Make sure your motives are ethical.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Impulse will be the enemy, especially regarding spending or financial matters. Uncertainty about a contract or deal you’ve been working on should be a warning not to do anything until you have a firm commitment in hand.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Stick to your objectives, and complete what’s required of you. Make positive changes that will enhance your relationship with someone who can make a difference to your life personally and financially. Love is highlighted.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Moneymaking deals are apparent, but you will have to move quickly. A change in the way you do things will lead to new connections. Unusual activities at home will spark greater enthusiasm and new possibilities for personal growth.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Personal opportunities will develop that allow you to expand your interests, your friendships, and your business relationships. Networking will be the key to getting ahead. Welcome any challenges that come your way.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Trying to accomplish anything will be difficult as the obstacles mount and the frustration builds. Forget about work, and take a mental-health day. A little time off will help you get a fresh look at an old situation.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Open your doors to friends, colleagues, and relatives. Sharing what you have with others will enhance your reputation and ensure you get the help needed. Welcome change and challenges that allow you to show how versatile you are.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t expect anyone to understand what you’re going through or how you feel. You need a time-out to reassess your life and your plans for the future. Don’t let someone dictate what you should or shouldn’t do.





What I’ve learned in college:

• (1) Become a professor. (2) Write a book. (3) Require book for class. (4) Put everything students actually need to know in PowerPoint slides. (5) Change cover of the book every other year to kill used-book sales. (6) Laugh maniacally.

• If you feel lonely or sad, stay until bar close.

• College is easy. College plus job, finances, girlfriend, exercise, bros, family, and Xbox 360 is hard.

• Plagiarism is bad. Copying a sentence, changing its syntax and writing the author’s name at the end of the paper is “research.”

• Even if you don’t own an iPod, wear earbuds at all times downtown to avoid hobos, charities, and Mormons.

• It sucks to take a bus across two states, but they’re a great way to travel two blocks.

• Lecture grades are like mountain-lion attacks: You just have to hope that your peers are slower.

• I no longer “lie” or “manipulate” — I use rhetoric.

• Hidden Valley, Hillshire Farms, Tyson’s, Blue Bunny, Heinz, and Kellogg’s need only be served by a commissary to be considered cheap, nasty food.

• If your friends are going out Friday night, but you’re broke, donate plasma. Not only will you have some cash, but you’ll actually save money because you’ll black out after three beers.

• A giant talking rabbit with a sombrero taught me how to cope with sleep deprivation during finals week. I’ll never be able to dip carrots in Red Bull again.

• If no one listens to your brilliant banter, get a newspaper column.

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