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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Hang on to what you’ve got. Don’t take risks, and refuse to let your emotions lead the way. Keep things in perspective; overreacting will only lead to impulsive actions and responses.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t give the wrong impression or send the wrong signal when dealing with colleagues, peers or acquaintances. Precision and sticking to what you know and do best will be what gets you through the day.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your opinion will be well-received and you will be honored for your contributions. Someone close to you will feel threatened by your success. Make an effort to put this person’s mind at ease.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Focus on learning and trying new things. If you isolate yourself, it will be difficult to fit into the situation that develops among your peers. Don’t fear change. Embrace new beginnings.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You may want to change your location or size down or up with regard to your living quarters. Making your home a place conducive to your lifestyle and professional needs is a must if you plan to get ahead. Money, contracts, and settlements all look favorable.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t get stuck in the past. Look to a brighter future. Connect with new people through social networking, events, activities, or self-improvement classes. Love is in the stars, but don’t make an unrealistic promise.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Use your insight to avoid stressful personal situations that play on your emotions and threaten your relationships. Rely on past experience and your instincts to guide you down the right path. A new friend will help open doors.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Work quietly on your own projects, and you will accomplish the most. A change of plans will be in your favor. Decipher whether you have the backing of family and loved ones before you decide to include any of them in your plans.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be careful how you relay information, or you may be blamed for meddling. If you don’t have the facts, don’t contribute. Emotional difficulties due to a burden you face must be handled delicately.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The past can be incredibly helpful if you remember valuable lessons. Overreacting will not help any situation you face and neither will a sudden reversal on your part. Consistency will be the only way.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A money deal is apparent. Whether it’s a settlement, winning, rebate, sale of a valuable possession, or even a new contract or raise, you can get ahead financially if you take advantage of whatever comes your way. Don’t spend before you pay off your debts.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Use a little force if it will help you get your way, but don’t let it cause a dispute with someone you love. You’ll be walking a fine line when it comes to giving to outsiders before giving to your family. A partnership can become one-sided if you don’t delegate.





How I celebrated Presidents’ Day:

• In honor of Obama, I hated Republicans.

• In honor of G.W. Bush, I took a vacation.

• In honor of Clinton, I smoked a cigar.

• In honor of G.H.W. Bush, I thought about not having children.

• In honor of Reagan, I tried to impose Christian morals on a chimpanzee, failed to carry Minnesota, and where am I?

• In honor of Carter, I ate some peanuts.

• In honor of Ford, I wasn’t elected president.

• In honor of Nixon, I blacked out for 18 1/2 minutes.

• In honor of LBJ, I had a BLT and a PB&J.

• In honor of JFK, I thought about Marilyn Monroe in the shower.

• In honor of Eisenhower, I sat in traffic for an hour on I-380.

• In honor of Truman, I asked all my coworkers if they were communists.

• In honor of FDR, I slapped Jenny McCarthy for thinking vaccines are bad.

• In honor of Hoover, I vacuumed.

• In honor of Coolidge, I was glad I wasn’t President in October 1929.

• In honor of Harding, I wished for better, smarter friends.

• In honor of Wilson, I came up with 14 reasons I’d like to go to Versailles.

• In honor of Taft, I ate three large sausage pizzas. For breakfast.

• In honor of T. Roosevelt, I got freaking shot right before giving a speech & and still gave the speech.

• In honor of McKinley, I Wikipedia’d William McKinley.

• In honor of Garfield, I ate some lasagna and hated the fact it was a Monday.

• In honor of J.Q. Adams, I reflected on the lessons our nation learned from having a legacy president elected by another branch of our government instead of by the popular vote.

• In honor of all the presidents I haven’t yet named, I really only remembered the contributions of Abraham Lincoln.

• In honor of Washington, I came first.

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