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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You’ll be prone to overreact and to take things too personally. Step back from whatever situation you face, and rethink your next move. Don’t allow emotional matters to overrule common sense.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Learn all you can about a given situation before you take part in a discussion that could be costly. Someone will burden you with responsibilities that don’t belong to you. Be prepared to say no. Put your money and time where it counts most.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): There is money to be made and advancement that will give you the clout required to make a difference to your future. Serious talks will lead to a commitment you’ve been trying to get from someone for some time.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Expect someone to try to head you in a direction that isn’t right for you. Instead, stick to what you know, and do it well. A love relationship will take an emotional turn. Respond positively.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Take care of any paperwork concerning a contract, settlement, legal, financial, or health matter that has been pending. You need to be ready to push whatever needs updating through as quickly as possible in order to avoid a penalty.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Avoid impulsive purchases or quick decisions that could cost you financially, emotionally, or personally. Focus more on home, family, and being prudent. Socialize on a shoestring and diminish stress.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A partnership will cost you if you cannot come to terms with what you both feel is required to move forward. Be prepared to compromise so you can put uncertainty behind you. Once you have come to an understanding, you can enjoy the benefits.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Not everyone will be upfront about feelings and future plans. You have to ask questions and read between the lines if you want to know what you are dealing with. Change will be required.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll be walking a fine line, so make sure you look at all sides of whatever situation you face before making a move. Sticking close to home will help keep you on track and out of harm’s way. Someone will withhold important information.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Added responsibilities and worries regarding a dependent or burden you’ve incurred can be expected. Rely on past experience or someone you used to know to help you find a solution that will work for everyone involved.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Look over your personal paperwork, and discuss your financial or medical plans with someone you feel can offer insight into your current situation. Don’t let someone who has disappointed you in the past have another chance.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Keep secrets, and avoid meddling. Get involved in an organization you believe in, or offer your services to a worthy cause. Socializing will lead to a new friendship that can alter your personal life.

 

 

 

 


Résumé FAILS:

• “I am a great candidate for this position, because I am anxious to stretch my legs and expand my horizons.”

• “I once won a texting contest among my coworkers. Also: Does this job come with a cell-phone plan that includes unlimited texting? ”

• “Completed eight years of undergraduate education.”

• “Previous employment: plasma/sperm donor.”

• “Volunteer experience: plasma/sperm donor.”

• “Professionally picked up 573 bags of doggy poo while working as a professional dog walker.”

• “Reason for leaving my previous job: My boss said chewing ice represented my sexual frustration. Or maybe the company was just tired of paying for my chipped teeth. I only want this job if it comes with dental insurance.”

• “Additional information: Let’s meet. I look like Brad Pitt in a suit.”

• “I fluently speak English, Spanglish, and Na’vi.”

• “I previously worked as a night stalker at my ex’s restaurant.”

• “I am on the sex-offender registry, but only because I peed in an alley after leaving a bar. Mostly only.”

• “According to Fast Typer 2, I’m ‘an excellent typist.’ ”

• “While I have no ‘traditional’ experience as an au pair, I have had responsibility for 17 goldfish and five cats over the past three years.”

• “Special talents: I can eat a bowl of cereal and drive a car simultaneously.”

• “Had a valid driver’s license.”













 
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