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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t give anyone room to criticize you. Your contributions will catch people’s attention and override any negativity being hurled your way. Expect a personal situation to get blown out of proportion.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Emotional blackmail is apparent, and it can cause you to miss out on a really good opportunity. Prepare to pay a face-to-face visit to whomever you need to see to make things happen. Take a focused approach; don’t allow your own uncertainty to stand in your way.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The time is right to take action. No matter what challenge you face, you will have the determination and willpower to drive you to the finish line. You will gain respect and feel good about what you have accomplished if you stick to your criteria.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Unexpected options will appear out of nowhere, leaving you with a tough decision over which you must not waffle. Knowing what you want will be half the battle. Sometimes you have to let go of one thing to grab hold of another.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your aggressive, no-nonsense way of going about what you want will pay off. An opportunity you were waiting for will appear at precisely the right moment. The chance to make a difference to your world professionally, personally, or financially is apparent.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Stop fussing so much about the things you cannot change. Focus on what you can do to make your life less hectic and stressful. If that means making a move or backing away from someone who causes you grief, do so. Advancement is possible.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Let the past go, and look toward the future. Interacting with as many people as possible will lead to both personal and professional gains. You can mix business with pleasure and come out on top.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Problems at home or in your personal life will only get worse if you don’t deal with each issue you face. Don’t be fooled by someone’s evasive way of explaining things. Ask direct questions, and do not budge until you get a satisfactory answer.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your past experience with others will help you move forward now. Don’t just think about making changes at home — take action. When something isn’t working, fix it.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ll have too many options and too little time. Don’t feel you have to do everything yourself. A rival or past partner can make your life miserable if given the chance. Proceed with caution.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Realize how powerful you are, and offer your services, skills, or know-how. It’s what you do for others that will help you gain respect. Differentiate yourself from anyone else, and you can attract the more eccentric and interesting people.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Nothing will be out in the open or easy to see. Strive for fairness and equality if you want personal or professional unions to last. Problems with legalities or settlements can be dealt with if everyone is ready to compromise.

 

 

 

 


Reasons I Hate Valentine’s “Season”:

• I don’t like roses. In my book, they are better suited for funerals. Just not at my funeral: the closest any rose better get to my funeral is Guns n’ Roses. I’d like to go out with a bang, not a wilt.

• Cheesy pick-up lines. No boys, I won’t “light your fire” or sleep with you “because you miss your teddy bear.” Go find a skank. I’m busy at 3 a.m., and telling me I’m “like a candy bar” doesn’t make me interested. Thanks for telling me I’m sweet, but I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m nuts. My parents figured that out a long time ago, sometime between age 2 (when I drank half of a bottle of Tylenol) and age 4 (when I was caught chugging a can of Bud Light).

• The word “panties” is used in excess near Valen- tine’s Day. Boys, for the love of underwear, do not use this stupid word. If I worked at Merriam-Webster, I’d have that word removed from the dictionary before you could count out its syllables. ‘Moist’ and ‘panties’ have got to be the two most disgusting words in the entire dictionary, and they’re even worse when used in the same sentence.

• There is an increase in the frequency of Cialis and Viagra commercials. Am I the only one who finds it completely awkward to be watching tele- vision with my family and have these commercials come on? Mostly, I would like to know who in their right mind would say, “Hey, Doc, am I healthy enough to shag?” Have fun looking your doctor in the eye next time you have strep.

• Roses are red and violets are VIOLET. And sure sugar is sweet, but it gives you high blood pressure.













 
 
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