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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Stick close to home, and avoid interaction with anyone who may put a hold on your plans. Consider what it is you are trying to get off the ground and the best way to go about it. You may need to enlist the help of someone whose skills or knowledge you lack.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): There is so much you can accomplish if you are organized and prepared to take action. You may face problems with authority figures if you are too impulsive or overindulgent. Your intuition will not mislead you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Put the most into personal and professional relationships. Your diligence, hard work, and responsible actions will bring you greater self-esteem and acknowledgment that you are on the right track. The best is yet to come.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Uncertainty regarding what you should and shouldn’t do may influence your position. Ask if you don’t know and keep things moving along, or you may send the wrong message. Being proactive will save the day.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Deviating from your regular routine will cause some friction with peers, colleagues, or superiors. Controversy will lead to trouble that can be avoided with a little diplomacy. You will have far better luck in personal endeavors.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Getting together with anyone who can offer you wisdom, knowledge, or an idea you have will help speed up your current plans. Professional networking will pay off. A change in plans can also alter your financial situation.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You cannot count on anyone but yourself if you want things done to your specifications. Expect to have a run-in with someone who disagrees with the way you are doing things. Focus more on being creative and insightful and less on what others do or say.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You can start to think about opportunities and personal and professional moves. You should indulge in social events that link you to different factions of the community. Make isolation a thing of the past. You’ll thrive with creative interaction.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Emotional upset can be expected. The results you get from being too aggressive or impulsive will not lead to something good. The past will be your answer to getting ahead in the future. Experience is the key.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Aggressive action may seem like the right move, but it will backfire. Before overreacting and deciding to take on someone or something that is too difficult, consider an alternate (but more congenial) route. Don’t make any unnecessary promises.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Use your imagination and intuition, and you will find the answers you are looking for. An alternative way to do something will help you speed up the process. Use every bit of help you can muster, and it will be easy to finish what you start.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You can make a fresh start. Don’t let personal issues hold you back. Take advantage of every opportunity, even if it means going in an entirely different direction. Put love on hold if it is complicating your life.

 

 

 

 


Laws I will enact when I become president (in 2020):

• Stem-cell research will be allowed, but researchers may only use stem cells derived from cloned human beings.

• Local pizzerias will no longer be able to call their smallest pizza a “medium.” In addition, Domino’s pizzerias will no longer be able to call their pizza a “pizza.”

• Automakers will be required to spend 25 percent of their yearly profits on researching environmentally friendly fuel alternatives, such as hydrogen cells, solar-power collection plates, and the dismembered bodies of former Greenpeace activists.

• If I am assassinated, my vice president will not only be honor-bound to carry on in my stead, but also legally obligated to enter into unarmed mortal combat with my assailant (but not before performing the Klingon death ritual and accompanying Ak’voh).

• Film critics will no longer be allowed to describe a movie as “Riveting.” Unless, of course, it’s a movie about riveting.

• In an effort to minimize the length of commercial breaks, manufacturers will be required to share television-ad time. I see no reason the FedEx man can’t deliver a Dell while wearing Nikes, then go home (stopping by a Boston Market on the way), pop a Cialis, and have dirty group sex with members of the AARP using Trojan lubricated condoms while “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” blares in the background.

• New popes will no longer be selected by the Cardinals. No venerable religious institution shall be held subject to the flippant whims of the MLB’s worst fielders.













 
 
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