ARIES (March 21-April 19): If you start to socialize before you finish your work, you will be faced with complaints. Insecurity about work and stress about your current position will be unwarranted. Don't fret. Put an immediate end to any rumors.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Stay on top of what needs to be done, and refuse to let anyone turn you into a scapegoat. If you react emotionally, you will be accused of not being able to handle responsibility. Focus on love later in the day.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don't let love cause you to make a foolish mistake. You may be asked to physically help or make a donation to a cause you know little about. Research before you pledge your time or your cash.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Uncertainty will be your downfall. Size up whatever situation you face, and make a decision — or you will appear incompetent. Adaptability and acceptance will be the key to your success.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Put your best foot forward, and you'll attract positive attention. Travel should be in your plans, even if it is just to visit a friend. Don't let someone else's change of plans disrupt yours. You will have greater insight into a financial matter.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Love is in the stars, and an intimate evening should be in the works. It will lead to an enjoyable and monumental weekend. Your attentive responses will win favors and approval. Don't overspend.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Proceed with caution. Not everyone will be on your side. Doubt will arise within a relationship. Keep your thoughts to yourself, or you are likely to end up in an argument that is impossible to win.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You can deliver an ultimatum to someone once you have an alternative route to take. Getting involved in an organization that can cover your back in a time of need will bring you reassurance and the support you need to follow through with your plans.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Stick close to home, and defend your reputation if someone implies you have been doing things that might disrupt your personal or professional standing. You won't be able to cover up a mistake, so be open about what happened.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Look at all the angles, and make whatever move will help you come out on top. Property investments can help you prosper but not if you decide to get involved in a joint venture. There are lots of perks heading your way.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The right partnership will contribute to your goals and plans. The help offered through an organization you join will be to your benefit. Trying to change your lifestyle or make improvements will pay off and boost your confidence.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You have to be decisive about what you want and what you are willing to offer others. Love is in the stars, but if you are wishy-washy, you will send the wrong signal. Showing a little backbone will make the difference.

Random thoughts:

• Must be weird for the Aussies to have snow at their 4th of July parades. Oh, and to have the 4th so soon after Christmas.

• Why is it fine to let a guy see your room full of stuffed animals, but wrong to let a gal see your shrine full of photos and detailed effigies of her? DOUBLE STANDARD.

• In deference to the classics, I think we're doing today's youth a great disservice in their literature, and our namby-pamby treatment is making them weak. Heather has two mommies and that's kind of rough? Not as rough Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother getting eaten by a wolf! Harry Potter sorta, kinda kills Voldemort after seven books of whining about things. Puh-lease, Hansel and Gretel were evil- witch-killing badasses in pre- pubescence! Alexander had and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? Yeah, well, the original Sleeping Beauty was taken advantage of while sleeping. So there. Quit crying or I'll blow your house down and eat you.

• When you get right down to it, sending someone to voice mail because you don't feel like talking is one of the rudest things you can do. Imagine a friend coming up to you and beginning a con- versation, only to have inter- rupt them with, "You've got 60 seconds, so just give me the highlights, and I'll get to it when I care."

• Some people believe Jesus Christ was the son of God. Others think he was a prophet, or a sage, or simply a humanitarian of unequaled fervor. One thing everyone can agree on, though: he was a man, and that means he farted. Jesus Christ farted. To me, that's just funny.