Tea and socialism

BY BEAU ELLIOT | JULY 20, 2010 7:20 AM

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Ever wonder how many Tea Partiers actually drink tea?

Me, too.

Because, you know, drinking tea is a liberal, bicoastal, touchy-feely sort of thing. President Obama probably drinks tea in the West Wing, among his other failings. (Such as, when the BP oil spill started, why didn't Obama immediately go to the Gulf, dive in, swim down to the gushing, busted wellhead, and plug it up with his own two hands? What happened to hope? Not to mention oil-well plugs we can believe in?)

Just saying.

I hasten to disclose that I detest tea; I'd rather drink the blood of a freshly cut chunk of veal than drink tea — in fact, I'm thinking of starting a reality TV show involving just that; it would be called "The Veal World." Pretty much every contestant would end up vealy mouthed.

Red-blooded (hmm, there's that word again) Americans such as Tea Partiers would, of course, sooner be caught drinking Cabernet Sauvignon or — gasp — Chablis, as to be discovered drinking tea.

So you have to wonder what some members of the North Iowa Tea Party were drinking when they decided to put up that billboard in Mason City declaring Obama to be a socialist along the lines of Hitler and Lenin.

Hitler and Lenin as brotherly socialist comrades?

Yo, Hit-Man, Lenin Tweets, how's abolishing labor unions going? Not to mention de-nationalizing industry, which that bad old Weimar Republic nationalized. OK, I hope.

Chill, Vlady, Tweets back Der Führer, how many of those collective cabbages and potatoes are rotting? Heh-heh. Our cabbages and potatoes are fine blond cabbages and potatoes, so if you need some potatoes for the vodka crop …

Yeah, it must have happened exactly like that.

Well, except that when Lenin died (1924), Hitler was around nine years away from taking power in Germany. Not to mention that cabbages aren't real blonds.

Not to mention that Obama is about as much a socialist as your grandmother's pearl buttons. Not to assume that your grandmother was so anti-PETA as to wear pearl buttons. Not to mention that she would never be caught vealy mouthed. Not to mention that one should never start two, not to mention five (hmm), consecutive sentences beginning with the word "not." Talk about getting tied up in "nots."

But it's hard not to get tied up in "nots" when you're dealing with the Tea Partiers — or the right wing in general.

Take the Community Reinvestment Act, which helps poor people buy homes. Well, that's the theory, I hear. Some on the right, perhaps many, contend that the act caused the nearly entire economic collapse in 2008, not any kind of derivatives trading. Whoa — those evil poor people conspiring, with their extraordinary economic might, to bring down the U.S. financial system.

Yeah, it must have happened exactly like that.

Unfortunately for the wingers and the Partiers, the Community Reinvestment Act has been around for decades. How in the world, out of the blue (or any other color), could the act suddenly wreck the economy in 2008?

I don't know, either. The poor must have found a grassy knoll from which to leverage that previously mentioned economic might.

Then there's the Tea Party/right-wing discovery that Justice Department has an official policy of not arresting African Americans.

I'll be honest; I didn't know that particular tidbit until now. But it goes a long ways in explaining why there are hardly any African Americans incarcerated in our penal system.

And there's the news that the first American Muslim college will open this fall. So, surprise of all surprises, many on the right are accusing school of indoctrinating students in fundamentalist Islam.

I mean, it's not as if we don't have some other religious colleges — Catholic schools, Lutheran schools, Presbyterian schools, perhaps even Unitarian schools, although you never can be too sure about what Unitarians are up to. And we don't, say, accuse Notre Dame of indoctrinating students in Catholic theology.

To be honest, I thought Notre Dame was in the business of indoctrinating students in the theology of mediocre football.

In the good news side of things, Iran has banned the mullet.

On the other hand, I hear Iranians like tea.

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