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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Do something special for someone you are trying to impress. Expect to face jealousy if you present an idea that is well-received by your peers and colleagues. Holding back to spare someone’s feelings will not help either one of you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You cannot expect others to do things the same as you. Try new things, and visit new places. The knowledge and experience you pick up will help you put a relationship you have with someone into perspective.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Give whatever you do your best shot, and don’t worry about the people who don’t appreciate what you have to offer. Resentment will mount if you are in competition with someone. Don’t let pettiness stand in your way.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Keep the past where it belongs. Loss, anger, and upset will get the better of you if you dwell on things you cannot change. Look forward with optimism. Change is upon you — embrace it.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Do not deviate from the truth, or someone will question where you got your information. A money matter will be riddled with emotional deception and the possibility of loss. Be upfront about how and what you are doing.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You may have to use a bit of force to get your way, but in the end, you will achieve what you set out to do, and others will be thankful for your efforts. Don’t let the changes someone makes upset your plans. Stay on course.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your savvy, sophisticated way of dealing with others will win favors from acquaintances, but that may annoy those closest to you. A money matter should be cleared up to ease tension between you and someone you care about.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Emotional troubles will escalate if you haven’t been pulling your weight. Find a way to surprise the person who means the most to you. Your vision and help will revive some of the lost charisma you shared.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may find it easier to upgrade your skills and pursue a higher position. Overreacting to a situation you are faced with will only make matters worse. A job you had in the past may be perfect for you now.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you feel a deal being offered isn’t right for you, say so. Back away from anyone pushing you to become a partner in a project that doesn’t interest you. Put your time, effort, and energy into your own projects.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Self-deception will lead to mistakes. View your life objectively if you want to move in a positive direction. Hanging out with people who are a poor influence will cause confusion and upset the people who love you the most.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You may have to check references or do a background check on someone you aren’t certain you can trust. Avoid inconsistency. Don’t share your plans until you are 100 percent sure you are going to follow through.

 

 

 

 


What I know about women

• They hate it when you forget their birthday, and they hate it even more when you remember their birth date.

• Girlfriends/wives and video games are mutually exclusive; when a woman hears “I’m playing video games,” what she actually hears is “(Please incessantly talk to me while) I’m playing video games (so that I have to try to ignore you and thereby give you a reason to be angry with me and withhold sex.)”

• They want you to say they’re beautiful, even if you don’t think it’s true. But that’s OK because they’ll think it’s true even if you don’t say it.

• “Does this make me look fat?” is a real-world analogy of the Kobayashi Maru scenario — only with a greater chance of actual death.

• They don’t like it when you talk dirty to them, and they don’t like to talk dirty to you for less than $4.99/minute.

• Women love it when you look in their eyes, caress their neck, whisper in their ears, take them by their hand, kiss them on the lips, and sweep them off of their feet.










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